So I've got a number of things on my mind right now.

Thought #1:
Why is it that as soon as I'm about to fall asleep my mom comes banging on my bedroom door with her loud annoying voice saying things I really don't care about. Then, why is it that when she sees I'm sleeping and not on my computer she has to yell "Sleeping again!" and then yell that I'm a bitch and a number of other things I rather forget. Then she has to go on and on complaining about things I'll never care about because I don't care about her. Then, when I've had a enough, I just quietly say "bye mother." and she has to go all "Ugh! Fine!" and slam my bedroom door.
Someone, please, tell me why I'm stuck with the bitch of the mother that won't stop complaining and hates gays?

Thought #2:
Why is it that my heart must break everyday? Even when I'm happy.

Thought #3:
"There's always one person out there that loves you more than anyone else."
Lets say this common quote is true. What if there really is someone for everyone that loves them more than anyone could ever dream of? What if that one person is someone you don't love. Lets say that we are all made to love one person more than we ever thought was possible. What happens when that one person doesn't love you back in the same way and was meant to love someone else? Is that the trangle I'm in right now then? And if so, will she get hurt if that guy that she loves doesn't love her the way I do, the way she loves him, because I'm suppose to be the one that loves her more than anyone could dream of? I'm not saying he doesn't love her, I'm sure he does. What I'm saying is what if we are all made to love one person more than any other person we love and that one person loves someone else the same way you love them? If that is true, does that mean that we are all going to get hurt? We are all going to die alone? Die without the one we love the most? All because they loved someone else the way you love them? If this is true, I can't help but wonder, did God screw up our love life?

Thought #4 (goes along with thought 3):
So saying that all is true, does that mean I'll never love someone as much as I love her? And it's not that that I'm worried about, it's her. What if she gets hurt? That's the last thing I'd want. I mean sure, sometimes I get pissed off at her, and dare I say it, sometimes I even feel like there's a little bit of hate there. Although, I don't think it's hate for her, more hate for what she has. She's got the perfect life, the life I want. Great friends that are there for her no matter what, a loving family, great grades (I mean, she is the smartest person I know), and someone that loves her to death (even if he isn't here right now). Why can't I have that? I do believe I don't deserve that at all, but I mean why? Sure, I'm a huge bitch at times, but so is she (less times than me though). I guess I really don't deserve and that's why I'm stuck with the crappy family, the crappy grades, and someone that will never love me no matter how much I love them.

Thought #5:
I want to go, I do. I'd die being here well she's there (and that's not sarcasm, I really would). I wouldn't be able to just sit here well she's half way across the world doing God knows what.

Thought #6:
I really don't know if I should take that job. I want to, I know I'll need the money later, I just can't be away from her that long. Again, I'd die being even just an hour away from her.

Thought #7:
My birthday = Monday. Is it alright that I feel like a little 5 year old girl, so excited for her birthday? I mean I'm not even doing anything for my birthday. Hell, I'm hardly even getting anything on my birthday (I can't say I'm not getting anything because even though my mom hates me, she hates sims 2 on her computer more, therefore I get a computer haha). I can't help but lose that excitness for sadness. I mean, hell, I'm not doing anything on my birthday but sit home and be fat and watch sex and the city season 4 well eating vegan chocolate cake. Yep, those are my plans for my birthday, nothing after, (other than maybe a job) and nothing before. Although, I am hanging out with kabriel tomorrow, not for my birhtday though. and getting my computer on sunday and hanging out with megan. but only the computer thing is for my birthday. Sure, turning 15 is no big deal... but I mean... I still want to spend it with someone. Staying home and being fat just makes me think of my future of being alone and that just makes me think all the more suicidal thoughts haha.
Ah well I guess...

Thought #8:
I should really stop thinking so much.

I want to talk to her. I need to talk to her right now.
And why the fuck does this make me feel so fucking gulity?!
I need you to live.

It's just the fact that I trust people too easily. It's the fact that I put my hopes up so high that they're always let down.

It's the fact that no matter what,
my heart's always going to break.

FUCKING AMAZING!
Got to see Mae (not that I really listen to them that much but I'm sure going to start listening to them more). Also, we got to meet them and that's another autograph ticket to put on my wall =]

Ok Go was good too. He was pretty funny, I really liked their personality... their vibe.

And of course, who could forget, the fucking amazing The Fray!
God, they were SO good! Fuck, I love them. New obsession definately. I even cried during one of the songs I'm such a loser.

Then spending time with her was definately the best part. I really wish I could of stayed over but I guess there's always other nights. On the flip side (the good part) I did have lots of fun and a much wanted hug was there =] which of course made me happy like they always do.

Sometimes it scares me how much I truly love her.

2 weeks, 3 days.
Lost 5.
Am 106.
Need 10 more.
Maybe more..

This bugs me, it really does...
All I want to do is ask question after question when I know I shouldn't so I'm trying to stop that.

Also, my head has been fucking spinning since my mom and I's fight last night. Then later in the night I was watching tv and just randomly felt really sick and threw up. At first I thought it was because I haven't really been eating but that's a lie. Not last night but the night before all I did was eat, and yesterday I did eat something. So it wasn't that. Then all night I was just sooo sick and like couldn't stop crying.. all I wanted was someone to look after me but that wasn't gonna happen so I was up all night basically living in my small little bathroom. When I finally got to sleep I was HOPING to stay in bed all day but of course my mom has to come into my room with the three little screaming kids and ask me to babysit. Of course I said no and she friggin salmed the door in my face. Although I really don't care, I don't want to babysit right now. My head hurts like hell...

I just want a hug = [

I can't write this in my diary and I don't excatly want to write it on here either, but I need somewhere to write it where my mom won't read it.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of being hit and slapping. I'm tired of hating how I look, how I act, who I am. I'm tired of loving and never being loved in return. I'm tired of my brother being the only one that really cares and wants to help (yet he hardly seems to anymore). I need to. If I don't things are just going to go down hill more and more. I don't care about my future anymore. I'm so paranoid I'll end up alone that I can't held ever finding out, ever living to find out. That's what's scarying me, that's what's making me want to. I just need to find a way how... I don't have anywhere high enough, trust me, I've tried buildings, you can't get on the roof. Can someone that commited suicide come back from the death and explain to me how to get to the top of a building, please? It's really the only answer I can seem to find that'll make me happy lately... and that thought scares me.

Trust isn't something you can hold in anyone now is it? Every single fucking person isn't honest anymore, doesn't tell it like it should be. I don't care if it's the smallest lie to make someone to feel better about themself like saying you like their hair when you really don't. Be honest, please, that's all I fucking ask from anyone I meet. I can't stand liars. I hate them with every single fibre in my body. Why lie? Really, fucking what reason do you have to lie to someone? Just, fuck! I can't stand this. It bugs me. Fuck you.

I know it sounds selfish. and I know I probably should vanish the thought altogether but it does really hurt. really really hurt.

Also, I can't believe my brother's graduating college today! I mean gosh, he works at blockbusters for crying out loud haha. I feel for him, I mean, he has his dreams sight so high and I have no doubt he'll get them but he's not thinking right, he needs to start from the bottom. He can't just become a boss of some big company. He has to work at it. He always keeps telling me that I can be a famous director and I will be and you know, those things he says does make me believe I can but I have to think reality. I need to start at the bottom and work really hard to get to the top, I know that, I don't think he does.

Some time yesterday I got kicked out of my house again, walked Grace to school then went over to see Travis and my brother at work hahaha. Gosh, I love it there, they always make me feel so happy.
My brother and I were talking about something... can't even remember what to be honest, but the subject of lesbians came up, now, Travis didn't know I was bi but my brother does so when my brother said "haha... that's only because you are one!" and then I blushed and was like "haha.... well..." then Travis was like "eh? Meh, not a big deal" and then I was like "wait a second, TECHINCALLY, I'm not" and then Travis was all "how can you not be a lesbian? either you are or you aren't" and he has a point there but then I was like "nuh uh" and then my brother said that I "go both ways" and then Travis was like "ahhh, haha, well at least you know at a young age" and I just kinda smiled and laughed and then he was all "OMG cute laugh!" and yeah ahha... but yeah they make me happy. OH! ha! and then my brother like hugged Travis and was like "look we're gay too!" and then he started like stroking his head, it was hilarious. Then Travis was like "you smell like clone, I don't date guys with clone, sorry"
So yeah... I don't know, it was funny to me, lots of stuff happened well I was there haha.

Anyways... I really wanna talk to you, don't know why... just... do. I need you.

Gosh, that means so much to me, really. I just wish the calls went through...

"I won't let that happen."

what happened to that? what happened to being there? what happened?

anyone wanna offer a place to sleep tonight?

i doubt i'll be staying here. my throat hurts from all the yelling and i don't think i can held anymore. Also, I may just be kicked out. I know I'm kicked out for the day... where to go when you have no friends that are willing to let you just stay there and when your brother has to work and doesn't even know what's going on because he didn't stay long enough to find out.

Help me...

please?

I know my mom hates me and I know she hates who I am but that doesn't mean she should take it out on me like this. I hardly even did anything wrong. She asked if I wanted to help her with the little kids and I'm sorry, but I really don't want to help her when she's in a mood like she's in right now. Maybe I would help her if she stopped being so damn annoying and shit. So I told her I didn't excatly want to today, I told her I wanted to study for my exam. She totally flipped out, telling the little kids to go outside so she could "knock some sense into me".

Other then that I can't stand my mom. Even if she wasn't my mom, even if she was just a some teenage at my school, I don't think I'd even be friends with her. She complains SO much about how she doesn't have any friends (which she does) and then she goes on about how she hates one of our neighbours (one of her friends). And personally, I like Jan, she's cool and really nice. Sure, she may talk behind my mom's back but pfft, if my mom wants friends so badly then maybe she should stop complaining so much about the ones she does have. Then she'll go into these HUGE fights with herself like she's talking to me. So, I'll stand there listening to her like a good little girl and then suddenly she'll turn to me and be like "what the fuck are you doing?! Stop just standing there and go do something, you're in my way." Like god, not like she ever told me she wasn't talking to me! Oh, and then she'll start complaining about other things like how she hates daycaring and won't be daycaring next year, but we all know she will. There's no way she can get a job, she'll quit after a couple months even if she can get one. (she hardly even finished high school). Then she'll go on about how she wants to move, how she hates how her sister, my auntie linda, is up living near nanny, my mom's mom, and how she's stealing her. Like WHAT THE FUCK. We go and visit nanny all the time and now nanny and grandpa actually have someone to look after them. Auntie linda living up there is a GOOD thing!
The thing I hate the most is how my mom won't go out and change all of the things she's complaining about, like my dad too. If she really hates all this stuff THAT much, go change it. Stop being friends with Jan, start looking for a real job, try to find a house up near nanny, get a godamn fucking divorce for chirst sake.
Also, I hate how she just thinks that because I'm her daughter she can go through all my crap, like my diary or my autographs in my yearbook, those things are PERSONAL. She even keeps a track of my period sechdule. Everytime it comes around to "that time of the month" my mom will be all "are you PMSing?" "do you have any cramps?" "have you gotten your period yet? It's your time of the month you know!"
God, like for fucks sake mom, it's MY period! not yours! Not everything I have is yours. Actually everything I have is NOT yours.
I think the only thing that I own that she can call somewhat hers is my dog. because it's a "family dog". Like she does shit about it. She doesn't even play with her or take her for walks or feed her. She even keeps giving that old threat "If Maggie doesn't stop jumping on the daycare kids I'll put her down." Then later that evening she'll be all "Oh I could never live without Maggie!"
MAKE UP YOUR GODAMN MIND WOMAN!

Dear mom,
I hate you.

I can't help but cry with every thought of how much this day means to me. I can't help but keep remembering the past.

Please, just stay happy and keep talking to me... it's all I have now

You know what I like about cold showers?
It brings you back to reality.

I liked last night. I loved last night. But maybe it'll be better to forget about it?

I want to be your best friend again...

It always happens this way. I'm not being negative, I'm wanting to talk. Something you never want to do. Like when have you ever actually replied? And you're talking negativly too. I said sorry first, again.

What do you want from me? Really, just tell me, I want a straight, simple answer from you for once.

What is really worth living for? My broken friendship? My uncontrolable paranoid personality? The fact that my family hates me? My brother and his new girlfriend that make me want what they have more than anything?
That really seems like nothing at all and I'm starting to rethink things...
so what if my life is a little shorter?

Today I may seem happy but I'm fearing tomorrow on the inside. I can't believe how calm I am on the outside. I've already had at least two panic attacks today though, sucks balls, I'm surprised that I'm even having panic attacks, not like I'm that paranoid, am I?

I still can't fix my heart breaking with every thought of this time last summer.

Oh how I miss thee.

When did this start? When did you start to seem to want to only talk to me on MSN. Why is it we can go a whole day without talking but suddenly the computer and the street that keeps us apart you want to talk? You want to know if I have anything to say?! If you really want to know what I have to say, call, it's a fucking phone, use it.

I don't get it. Obviously this weekend means so much to me, obviously this is why I've been so stressed and paranoid lately and of course everything I thought is happening. How can I just do what they've told me? That just doesn't work. It just doesn't, and I'd feel bad about it, it just isn't the same. I've told myself that I'm not gonna mention it till I hear something from her about it. It's hard to do that for me... I always say I won't be the first to say sorry too but like that ever happens. It's sad how much I need her in my life... sometimes I wish I could just turn off these feelings... sometimes I don't even understand why I feel them for her, other times it seems just right. It's funny how quickly I've been replaced this year. I hate how I've gone back to the stupid person with hardly any friends that she can just call up and talk to... I miss that... so much... I miss this time last year more than anything. My mom keeps talking about moving, yet I know she never actually will till I move out. I wish we could, I really do. It'd be the best thing for me, forget about her, about this place. Even if it did end up with more abuse or whatever, anything would be better than I broken heart, and not just a premit one, one that keeps breaking and then repairing with every nice word she says to me, but suddenly I see her laughing and talking nicer to them and my heart just breaks again. I can't believe I'm sitting here infront of a computer waiting for her, I even know she's been on a computer recently. Wow, I feel like a stalker but that information came from her writing something and me just going to write something there too and noticing hers.

God, I can't even count how many times I've cried tonight. I hate it. I hate how I don't even know why I'm crying. I hate how nothing's ever going to be the same. I hate my family. I hate this week. I hate this weekend and next week too. All I want is to talk... all I want is everything I'll never have. I wish my heart would stop breaking. I fucking hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach. It makes me feel sick, it makes me want to throw up (not like I haven't because of it). I'm tired of the taste of tears. I hate the hope that sits inside me with excitment. I hate those repeated dreams of her kissing up my neck and her lips meeting mine. I hate them for giving me hope. I hate how she can read this and never comment on it... sometimes I even wonder if she wonders... if she just thinks nothing of it.

Why does it hurt so much that she hardly put even a little bit of an "I love you" in my yearbook?

grade nine done.
I can't help but keep looking back on how bad this year has been. The worse I've ever had. I miss last year... I miss this time last year more than anything...

I can't believe what's coming up this weekend. I just can't believe it was that long ago and how different things are just from a years time.



She put our memories from last year in this years yearbook...

So... I've tried calling about like a million times in the last half an hour because all I need to tell her is that we're still going in early tomorrow.
but her fucking phone keeps going to the stupid answering machine...
the first time I called I found my self just sitting there listening to her voice... I love the sound of it.. it calms me right down. Then I realized it was going to the thing where you say your message and I hung up. Now I miss her hugs when she tries to comfort me and her voice saying sweet things like "I won't let that happen". How much I miss that sleepover... I'd give anything to go back to that moment for just a second right now... I don't want this to be happening. I don't want to be sitting here, alone, crying and wishing that things would happen that'll probably never happen.

I just want to be loved in return...

Why do I have to be so fucked over?!
I get one good thing - her asking me to actually spend time with her tonight - then I get totally fucked over with this project. Not only is it totally fucked up by not being lined up it actually looks like totally CRAP! and I'm pretty sure we won't even finished the stupid writing out part tomorrow morning.

Also, another smack in the face was for me fucking "mouthing off" to my dad on the phone and having my mom change my braces appointment because I have to go to school tomorrow early. I'm sorry that I'm pissed off at this fucking project that I'm so screwed over for and it's hardly even my fault.

Other then that, the night out with her was a much needed surprise for me. Hugs included, which I feel like I haven't had from her in ages. Despite the pain on my left cheek right now, I'm quite happy because of that, and only that.

Other then that the bruising on my stomach seems to be going down. I've been keeping this in for so long that I may as well just say it now. I don't even know how long ago it was when I got kicked repeatedly in the stomach... it hurt a lot more Monday when we had to gym and I had to change in the bathroom stall so no one would see the stupid purple, brown and yellow markings across my stomach. I can hardly even remember why she would do such a thing to me. I was accepting the regular smack in the face but when I got smacked and then kicked to the ground I was surprised. The pain didn't even come till another kick was put right into my stomach. She seemed to just leave me there after she was done. I could hardly even cry it hurt so bad. I remember just lying there thinking how much this hurt, more then the cuts crossed over about a thousand times on my wrist, getting deeper and deeper each time. After what seemed like hours I tried to get up but just couldn't because every movement I made it seemed to send more and more pain to my boobs, my stomach, even my arms.
God, I don't even know why I saying this on here... this something I should be writing in my new journal I've been keeping... one with many more secrets then this one. It just seems like it's better when I know someone out there knows. I rather keep it quiet though, I don't want any trouble... I mean someone knowing and taking it and telling someone would be the worse thing that could happen to me. I don't want to get to a foster home... those things are horrbile and I'd be taken away from my brother... my friends... that would hurt more the bruises on my stomach and the recent slaps in the face.

Anyway... I'm done... maybe I'll just have one more good cry before I try calling her again... her phone's of course busy... like every other time I try to call to talk to her.

I should really just change spots with him. Like I live there and he lives here. I'm sure she'd be fine with that - more like love that haha. Also, I hardly think it'd change anything - not like our friendship is anything more than a cyper one.

It use to be about how I wanted someone to care about me, someone to love me, someone that I had the excat same feelings for. And don't get me wrong, I still really want that... but right now I just want to live. I want somewhere to stay... somewhere safe.
My brother's got his girlfriends... it makes me sad that he doesn't take me knowing full well what's going to happen later in the night when no one's around... with him here that doesn't happen.. with him there it does.. you think he'd care enough to bring me with him but it seems like all he wants is time along with his girlfriend... which understandable so maybe I'm just being selfish in thinking he should take me with him...


Maybe I should go back to the old pen and paper... I really don't think I want to slip something and have someone I know read about it and then ask me about it. Sure, I want her to know about this... but she definately doesn't seem to want to know. Pen and paper just seems like the best way to write things down without slipping something now.

I should of told her... I should of told her... fuck! I had a perfect opening there... I could of just SAID it... just been "I don't want to because..." it would be blunt but I mean.. fuck this is killing me. I meanfsahjfsklajfskla it hurts so much too...
I need help..

I acutally really really hope that we don't do anything hurtful today in gym, like really... that would kill me I think.
I also hope no one hurts me or like bumps into me there or something, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore

I smell like newspaper and my brother's ex girlfriend... how weird is that?

Also, I thought it was Sunday but it's really Monday which means we have school =|
I stayed up till like 2am last night because I thought it was Saturday... I'm definately gonna be falling asleep in one of my classes today haha

I don't think she wants to talk to me... but she is... what I meant by that is I don't think she wants to talk about what I so need to talk about right now... and I rather not talk over msn again...

I was gonna tell my cousin instead but his girlfriend kicked him off the phone.

I was gonna tell my brother but I can't seem to contact him.

I want to change schools. I want a different family. I want to start over again.

It seems like everytime I need to talk to her she seems to just go offline...
Like last night...
And then just now I thought I could talk to her about last night but again she left...
Sometimes I wonder if she even wants to be my friend anymore..
At the same time though I keep willing myself to not believe that.. even if she does give that impression often

Don't let this happen to her, please.
I'll take all the bad times she'll ever have in her lifetime,
I just want her to be happy forever.
She must stay happy. Please.

Lately I haven't been so happy for the fridays that come around. I have seemed to surprise myself when I lie to people lately too. Occasionally I get the "is everything okay?" and I seem to quickly reply without thinking, "yep" and smile at the person. It's funny how I can't seem to lie when everything's is perfectly fine but once my world seems to start falling apart yet again I seem to be able to lie every single person, even her now, that everything is in fact fine. Other than my little bitchy ness that comes and goes I seem to be dealing with everything perfectly. But then friday's seem to role around and there's a part of me that wants to forget about everything, make plans, get of the house. But for some reason I never do. I want to see if things will be different this time, on two levels. I want to see if my friday's will turn back into spending time with her... but more then that, lately I want to see if my friday's won't turn into fights with my mom, as they often have in the recent friday's that have passed.
So, although I can lie to the people around me, it seems that inside I know the truth and can't get past it. It seems like lunches have turned into alone time as it seems that each girls bathroom in our school is quiet at lunch time now as it use to be so busy in there. Now it seems to be a place where I can be ashamed of myself and cry with no around. More then just crying, lately I've been bring a blade to school again and doing the same thing I use to do every lunch when I soon found out that the 3rd floor bathroom is mostly empty every lunch other than the odd girl coming in.
After lunch, at least 3 minutes or even seconds, before the bell rings I seem to be able to suck it up and go to my next class. Although today was definately different.
Today, the morning started off fine. Even though she didn't seem to talk willing to me on her own at all, I still seemed to be in a pretty good mood. It was in geo that I seemed to have open up to someone I never thought I would. Talking to him about death and my suicide attempts obviously wasn't part of the plan. I never wanted to open up to anyone about half the stuff I told him, some even being unknown by her. Yet, I seemed to go on and on about things that have happened in my past. I was surprised at how well I could fight back the tears I wanted to so badly show. I also seemed to keep a surprising good sound voice, not sounding sad or on the verge of tears at all.
At lunchtime again she didn't talk to me willingly and a little part of me thought I shouldn't of gone with her to the libaray. So, as soon as someone showed up (someone being someone I knew excatly that she wanted to be with, maybe even be with her instead of me), I finished the paragraph I was reading and said I was leaving. I did plan to go straight down to the cafe to find the one person that lately wants to be around me during school time (never after school) but instead found myself going up the stairs to the girls 3rd floor bathroom yet again. There, I sat down and cried not knowing what came over me. Yet again I pulled out the blade that was tucked safely away in my backpack and began to cut more seemingly straight lines on my wrist. After crying over how ashamed I was of myself for doing something I so want to stop and had stop not but days ago, I went down to the cafe to find someone I could talk to for the last few minutes of lunch. I found someone, sat down, and chatted until the bell rang and we all went off to class.
Math class was an exam and I definately failed as I could not concert on the material given to us. No matter I finished just seconds before the bell and went off to my english, one of the classes I love to have at the end of the day as the people I sit with always seem to make me laugh. Of course, they didn't fail me and I was laughing and smiling and seemingly happy throughout most of the class. Me and my friend that I've seemed to have a tiny crush on for quite some time started to laugh as he tried to throw things down my shirt. I went to grab his hand that was holding the piece of paper he wanted to throw down my shirt next and suddenly I looked down at my wrist, he had pulled off my wrist band. Not one person around us seemed to know because it was under the table we were sitted at. I quickly took my wrist band and put it back on, not daring to look up at him. He said my name in a low whisper, and still I didn't look up. He whispered a sorry as the next student went up to present and I nodded and watch the next presentation (something I hadn't done throughout the whole class). For the rest of the class me and him didn't talk other then saying things about how many times one of the presenters would say "um", something we've done since we started presentations in that class. As soon as the bell rang I left without a goodbye to him or any of the other people I usually talk to during that class.
At my locker I gathered my things and waited awhile to see if she would come to her locker and maybe just manage a hello to me. When she came she hardly even looked at me and I found myself waiting a little while longer just to see if maybe she would ask if I wanted to walk home with her. She didn't and as I left I felt like crying again, being disappointed I didn't have anyone to talk to again tonight.
When I got home I quickly ran up to my room and cried a bit till I heard my mom come in the door. Not thinking about the kids around her my mom did the same thing she always did when she came home. She stood in the doorway of my room and bitched about every little thing possbile. I, again, just sat there and took it, not knowing what to do.
As soon as the kids left other than the little baby she told me to watch the little one. I did as I was told and played with her till her parents came to get her. Not moments after I had closed the door from her parents leaving I turned around and got slapped right on my cheek. My face started to get red and burn and I knew I was only moments away from tears. My mom laughed a evil one and told me I was such a little dyke for going and crying right after a stupid little slap in the face. I did the best I could to not total bawl till I got in my room and heard my mother leave out the back door.

___________________________________________________________________

I really had no reason to tell this other than being bored and feeling like I needed to get it out of me.