I hate mood swings. One second I'm as happy as can be singing along to some random song on the radio driving down the street of Toronto thinking "hell, why am I always so pissed off lately?" and also thinking how great is that me and her are friends and just how much I truly love this city. Then the moment I get into a store that's burning hot and I try on this 250 dollar dress that I love more than anything and my mom calls and tells me I can't buy that even with my own money, I get all pissed off again. I started walking down the streets hating my mom and my dad (I left him at some random store when I was happy because he said it was okay, he had some stuff to do anyways). I hate how my mood can change like that and with a bad mood comes the thoughts of how she doesn't love me, how she'll never love me, how just being friends doesn't make me stay happy, and how I still have to decide who I want to stay with. Then my good mood came back because some guy who was working at borderline started talking to me and helping me find clothes, telling me I was really cute and he loved my hair. Then he started choosing outfits for me and told me he thought they would suit me best and stuff like that. The cool part was that everything he picked out fit amazing but it was just so expensive (I still ended up buying something though from there mainly because I loved it but also because he said that it was his favourite out of all of them =] ). Anyways I got my good mood back and went home. Then as soon as I get in the door my mom's all "I can't held this anymore! Pick who you want to stay with already!" That decision is not one I can just make on th spot. Each parent has it's pros and cons. My mom and I would probably argue a lot (but so would my dad and I), I hate shopping with my mom (love it with my dad... most of the time), my mom would be moving three hours away from this amazing city (my dad would be staying here). I guess if you look at it that way my dad would be the one to stay with but... there's something about living with two guys (seeing how my brother would stay here) and not having another girl in that house that makes me want to stay with my mom. Although, the choice I'm going to make is probably to stay with my dad, just because I can't live three hours away. The only thing is I know my mom won't stop bitching about how much she wants me to be with her and not him. I don't know.. most people stay with their moms.. but I do know one person that went with their dad... I don't know.. I really don't.

I think the main reason I don't want to move is because of her... even though maybe distance would be best, I just wouldn't be able to do that. I want my brother back... *sighs*

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During my happy mood today well we were driving past the CN tower I had this random... day dream of Ryan. It's weird how much I've been thinking about him lately without really knowing I'm thinking about him, if you know what I mean. I have this want to see him... maybe because when I liked him everything was good, I may have not thought so then but now I definately know that things were good then, or at least better. Last night I started reading all the emails and really old conversation I had with him... god, he's amazing. He made me so happy. I even wrote down what he said the one time he called my cell phone drunk and left a message. To be completely honest I think I really miss him. I just wish we could be as good of friends as we use to be.

I owe this whole week an apoglize (don't laugh, i know I don't know how to spell). I realized that me asking questions about her caring or something mattering to her isn't going to help her care or something matter more, if anything it'll make her care less and things matter less. Also I've realized that she does make efforts to show she cares. If she didn't care I doubt she would ever of called me (called my cell lmao which I don't have) today or talked to me yesterday or let me stay at her house if it so happened that my mom hadn't showed up on wednesday. I think I never really realized the efforts she puts into our friendship but I sure notice them now. I may get jealous or sad at times or even mad get mad at her and I think that's when I start to ask questions, get paranoid. Now, seriously, I promise to try my very best to stop gettign so paranoid and asking questions. I just want our fighting to stop, I want to have a friendship with no fighting. And I know I don't have any chance of her ever letting me go out with her and I think I don't deserve a chance either, but if I do have even the very littlest chance I know I'm not helping it by getting paranoid and fighting with and basically ruining our friendship.

So there, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

This is so unfair. Why did my week have to get so fucked up like this? All I wanted was to see her at least three times. Once when I got here (which I got), once in the middle (which I didn't get) and once before I leave (which I could get but I highly doubt it). The sad part is that no matter how much I believe I won't get to see her before I go, I still have this undying hope that I will, that everything will be just perfect, that she'll call me and tell me that she wants to see me, that she wants to take pictures with me or something. And this undying hope is what makes everything that much horrible when it doesn't happen. I'd gladly give up this job if I could right now. I rather be with her and the fact that next week no one will be here for her makes me want to be here that much more, mostly because it'll me I'll have a better chance of hanging out with her more.

It isn't that I don't know or believe that she cares, I do know and believe that she does, it's the fact that maybe it isn't enough. Which is stupid because it's way better than having her not care at all and I feel so stupid for wanting more. Truly, the thing I want more than to go out with her is to stop fighting with her and if it was that easy I'd be somewhat happy, happier than I've been in awhile at least. After that sleepover when I got here and our fight over her making plans well I'm there just after complaining about how I'm not there for a month, I promised myself that I would do my personal best to stop fighting with her because I wanted this week to go over well. And you know you could say I did horrible but I didn't. After that fight she made plans with other people and I didn't get mad at that, than she made more plans with other people and I didn't get mad, than finally she made plans with me but I got grounded and than she made plans with someone else for that night - it was like she didn't care if she was hanging out with me just as long as she had someone to hang out with - than she made plans with her mom. Truly, I do understand her making plans with her, they haven't hung out in awhile I'm sure. The last time I heard they hung out was the Killer concert. So it wasn't that that I didn't understand, it was the fact that she had no one around next week but obviously her mom was. Now I found out that her dad comes home Thursday that week so why can't they hang out before he comes back? Maybe I'm just being selfish though because I just wanted to have one last sleepover with her before I go but it still doesn't make sense to me why she couldn't plan something with her mom the next week, or the day after I see her. Either way it obviously isn't important to her like it is to me.

The other thing that really gets me is how caring she was when I suggested what if I wasn't here anymore and than the second she finds out that I actually may be moving she doesn't seem to care at all. Sure, I wouldn't be moving till next year (that's actually a semi lie, my mom kinda wants to move before school starts up again so that means today would be the last day I could actually spend time with her. But there's a slim chance of that because it would take a long time to pack - although my mom says we could just leave and get the stuff later, she's sick of my dad). Anyways, it just seemed a little odd how she would care when it's a suggestion that doesn't seem likely to happen and hardly care at all when it's reality.

I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm really not, I don't think I'd love someone that was a bad person. I do truly believe it's all my fault. I need her more than she needs me (wait, sorry, she doesn't need me at all, she just likes having me around - if that's still true) and I think my need for her has over taken everything I do. I constantly compare myself with her, I always have to have her showing that she truly cares and loves me, and my thoughts aren't anything else but her. No matter what I do I can't get her out of my head and to be honest it's driving me crazy. She isn't a bad person, but she does give mix signals, ask anyone that's liked her. I hate how much she's taken over my life, how much I need her - to be honest, I hate that I love her. That may sound mean and I really don't like saying it but to be honest, it's true. I can't stand that I love her, I wish we could just be friends - I don't even know if we are still that.

I just wish she would call me before I go.

Funny, I knew I was gonna screw all this up, I knew she was never gonna call in the end of things. Sure, the day isn't over but at 2pm I pretty much get the general idea of what the rest of my day is gonna be like: sitting here feeling horrible that I'm not gonna get to see her.
Whatever, why should I care, right? It isn't important to her enough to actually see me before I go.

I'm always the one to say something first.
I love you.
I miss you.

I don't think I've once heard someone say it to me first. Makes me feel kinda.. lonely.




I love my grandma.
In the mail today I got two checks. One for 50 dollars from my grandma and grandpa for good grades and being on the honor role each term this year and the second was my pay check for 582.42 dollars =] yay! and I'll only be getting more at the end of the summer. MUCH more!

I don't know where to start. This day has been one, big, long trouble day. First it started with me being scared that I wouldn't get to spend time with her today because I thought she was going to not want to do something. Then my family and I just got into this big huge fight. For once, I actually fought back, I just never thought it would be with my dad so much as it was. My dad just kept mouthing off to me and I just got sick of it and pushed him away from me (he cornered me) then I just remember being slapped and yelling fuck you at the top of my lungs. Then my mom came up and told me to get dressed and go to my brace appointment. I was just so pissed off though I didn't want to go so I just yelled at her and told her that this was a horrible envoirment for someone to grow up in. Then she took my computer, then she hit me and told me that if I left the house I wasn't welcomed back. So I left because I just needed to get out soooo badly, I didn't want to be hit or yelled at anymore. So my mom watched me as I left and knew I was heading to her house. Well a couple minutes after being at her house my mom showed up and took me away. As soon as we got in the car I yelled at her that if she was going to kick me out to at least actually mean it. And then she asked me what this thing with Emilie was and all I said was that we were friends. Then she yelled at me about some things and I just kept crying telling her to take me back to her house so I could just relax and be alone with someone that actually did care about me. Then she got all pissed off and told me she was going to call emilie's parents and I just totally blew it and asked her why she would do that and she told me that she would just love to ruin my friendship with her and then she pulled over the car and started yelling at me some more and hit me one more time and told me to get my act together and get over this "phase" of being bisexual. After that I just sat and cried well she drove around yelling at me. I tuned her out after about a couple more minutes of her yelling and then we got home and the second I got in the door I called her because first I was embrassed about my mom just coming there and picking me up when she had just thrown me out and second because I wanted to talk to her... hearing her voice made me somewhat comfortable. After that I just kind of lied there and everytime someone came into my room and I just irgonred them.

Then I got my computer backed and called her to tell her I could now do something and because I wanted to get out of my house before something more happened. Her mom answered and told me she wasn't there. Then about a half an hour after that my parents were fighting and suddenly my dad ran into my room and yelled at me saying something was my fault that I'm ungrateful about everything he's worked for me to have. I left to walk my dog because I didn't want anything more to happen. Then when I came home my dad was gone and my mom started talking about moving away and whole bunch of other crap and now I'm just confused.

I wish her mom hadn't told me she wasn't there... I wish she was there. I need her.

I don't know what to say. I hate the bastard and yet I'm helping him get her. That asshole doesn't even deserve her. Sometimes I want to be so selfish and just say forget about him and move on, but her happiness is more important to me than anything.

Teenage Years

Smiles, tears, superficial fears, all are part of teenage years.
First dates, first cars, having crushes on football stars.
First jobs, first kisses, one too many hits and misses.
The best years of growing up, with great achievments and screwing up.
Goods girls, bad boys, finally throwing out old toys.
Sneaking out, getting caught, remembering all the fights we've fought.
Boyfriends, girlfriends, hoping their love never ends.
Heart-breaks, making out, just to hear parents shout.
Drugs, pot and beer, all parts of the teenage years.
High school, college, then it all ends, it's time to change again.
But we'll remember the times when we won, we lost, when we cried.
We'll always have memories of our fights and fears,
And all the good times spent in the teenage years.


-My uncle wrote it for me when I turned 13-

It isn't wrong for me to be mad about this. I was there. Whenever I'm there you make plans right in front of me. And yes, it's always bothered me but now that I'm only here for a week it bothers me more. I do have the right to be mad, and I do have the right to be mad that you aren't talking to me now too. The least you could do after me leaving is talk to me online, I mean I hardly get to do that after this week too. But nope, it doesn't seem to matter so much to you. You can hang out with them all summer, including this week, so why not make plans with them now? Or whoever it is, I mean, who really cares that much about someone only being here a week? Sorry, maybe I am overacting.
Just next time, don't complain about how I'm not around and then go and make plans well I'm there.

What does everything mean? Why is my head suddenly filled with so many questions? Is my life planned out already?
At some point, I use to believe in so many things, what happened to that? Where the fuck did my faith go? My trust in people? My hope? What does each feeling I have mean right this second? Does it even have a meaning? I hate how this questions can never be answered correctly, it'd only be someone's guess. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with all of us? At one point in my life, I said that humans are the danger of this world, that we don't give a rats ass what we do to this world, we don't care if we live or die. I think I still believe that a bit. I once read somewhere that everyday we fill our minds with little questions like: What am I going to wear today? Or we care about our look, or anything to do with us, with what we're going to do that day. And the reason we filled our head with these little thoughts everyday was because we didn't want to face the big questions, we didn't want to think about how little time we have in this world, we didn't want to think about how sad we can be, how happy, how angry, how disappointed we could. We don't want to think about anything but those little thoughts all because we're scared of the truth.
I don't think I explained that right but if I find out the page that stuff was all on I'll write it out because it truly did open my mind to how little attention I pay to life.

The worse part about all these thoughts about how we've taken over the world is that it actually makes me depressed. Partly because I can't believe we could let all this happen, but also because deep down I believe I'm one of those people that don't pay attention to what's happening, I hate when people talk about what's happening in our world because I don't want to be a part of it. Also, I'm not better than anyone else who doesn't think about life, most of my thoughts are consumed by thoughts of suicide, and I hate that.

Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, and don't get me wrong, I know this isn't going to change our friendship at all, better or worse, but a part of me wishes it would get better. Not that I'm not content with our friendship now but... I guess I miss being her best friend. And I know I may be but for some reason I can't get over the top friends stuff. I know how stupid that is and I wish I could change how I feel but I can't, it's like choosing who to love.
Also, she seems so happy and content with him dating someone else, a part of me wishes I could be that strong. I hate how much I depend on her... but that could be because I don't have other friends like she does. Yes, I have other friends, but not like her... not friends I can trust and hang out with and can make me happy.

I know I'll never be content with her going out with someone else ontil I have someone else to trust.

I'm hungry.
I'm bored.
I have so much stuff I have to do, and stuff I want to do, this week I'm off work.
I've made almost 600 dollars in just two weeks. Woo!
I'm bored.
My doggie slept on the couch with me last night, it made me happy.
My mom is crazy. Not really, but the doctors called her that for bring me in to the hospital, staying there for 2 hours, just to tell them that I was crazy. Then after one hour of test, there was nothing wrong other than some thing on my brain, which was there when I was ten and is gonna stay there I'm sure haha. Doctors don't even know what it is, but apparently it can't kill me so we're good.
My parents want to have a family dinner tonight *shudders*. And my brother isn't here to come with us and stop us from fighting... maybe I can bring a friend into that "family dinner".
I was trying to write a story this summer and finish it by the end of the summer. I've lost it and I was in the excat middle, and I actually liked it. Ah well, I should really give up that career, and all the other ones I want.
I had a dream last night that I ran away with some guy and did a bunch of drugs and came back two years later and they thought I was so smart that they just put me in grade 12 instead of making me do grade 10 and 11 which I missed. I passed second highest in my class, her being the highest. Then we went to the same University and she asked me out. I love how unrealsitc all my dreams are.

I've been reading these books by Emily Giffin lately and I just have to say that they are very realstic. Sure, they're books for 30 year old woman but it still has taught me that maybe life is as short as it is. Nonetheless, it makes me feel... happy. Not happy in general, but happy that I'm alive. I'm not saying the suicidal thoughts have completely gone, and I'm not saying I've given up cutting completely either. But I have this feeling that no matter what rough times come in the near future (and I'm sure there are many that will start on Friday evening) I still have a good, hopful feeling that my life will just fall in place, somewhat of a hopful feeling at least. I'm sad to say that once I change books those hopful feelings may just fade haha.

I still have a pang of worry everyday now that I'm here. It's like losing her once made my fear of losing here ever worse, which makes sense. Like my last blog, it seems like her calling her first has put the fear at the top of my list of worse fears of mine. And it's not just that, it's also a recent boxedthoughts and just... everything. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm still pissed off at him, of course, that's never gonna go away now. I have too many mixed up emotions right now for so many different things.

David got a haircut, it's safe to say he looks way hotter now... and... ah nvm.

My mom called, asked me if I wouldn't mind staying with a friend for awhile the week I get back. She was nice about it at first but once I said I may not have a friend that's gonna let me be with them for so long all that week she blew up and told me I could sleep on the street or something then. I'm just hoping my dad will defend me on this one as I may not have a place to stay next week then, and I've slept on the streets one night already and it's no pinic.

I know this is horrible, and I'm really running for time on the computer so I better make this quick.

I know she's hurt right now, and I truly do feel for her but still I can't help but hurt that she called her first... and I know she said there's no sense in worrying about it but I do. Is this selfish? I mean, just because we shared a first kiss doesn't give me the right to think she'd come to me first, does it?
It just really hurts for some reason..

I can't help but be pissed at two people right now.
First I just have to say, I don't excatly think I believe in God... but maybe I do believe in a "greater being". Therefore, if there is a "greater being" I'd like Him, or Her, to know that I'm pissed off with them. I can't decide if I'm more pissed off because you hurt me or because you broke a promise. I know that this sounds really insane and I know that maybe this "great being" didn't excatly promise but I just had this feeling things were gonna be good from now on, not perfect, but not bad either. He, or She, promised no harm, or hurt, would come to her through him. And this "greater being" broke it. I can't explain how pissed off I am at this "greater being" and how much I wish I could stop talking to this... thing, when something's bad.

Second, I'm pissed off at him. Yes, I have been pissed off at him ever since I stopped talking to him but now I'm more than pissed off... I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I'm down right ready to go over there and kick his ass (something I'm sure I couldn't go, but I'm sure my brother could). The funny thing is, I think I knew something was going to happen the second I started to feel that things were different, happy. I think that's why I started to suddenly doubt everything, get more depressed and start just giving up on everything. The sad part is that I may have known but I never let myself believe it, I never let myself prepare for this. I want to help. I want to email him to be honest and just take all my anger out at yelling at him.

You know what, this may sound selfish and all but I've thought about this for so long and I think I just need to come out and say it now. I know she loves him, and hell, he probably loves her too (who wouldn't love her? she's amazing) but hell... I really, truly think that if she loved me as I love her or as she loves him, I truly think I could make her happier than he ever can or ever will. I know, it sounds selfish, but I truly think that, 110% think that. I think that's the number two thing that pisses me off the most here (next to how he could do this to her and hurt her).

I'm really trying to expression how angry I am with this, but I really think she'll, or anyone else, will understand how much this hurts and angers me.

For once, I think all the tears have dried up. I spent about an hour studing my face, my veins, my body, and the tears that just never seem to stop. And I know this sounds totally insane and weird, but when I started to study the veins on my wirst and wonder what it feels like to cut them open so much that the blood would just start to pour and slowly kill you of blood lose, my tears started to subside with them drying on my red cheeks. I have a feeling that the one thing that doesn't scare me or make me paranoid is the thought of death... the thought of it all ending so suddenly.

Can I make these thoughts up into suicidal thoughts? Are they suicidal thoughts?

I've been up since 5am and it's only 4pm... this has been the longest 11 hours of my life. But no matter how long these 11 hours have taken to pass by the only thought that has stayed in my mind is how much I wish I could stay here just to be close to her. Is that insane? Is it right for me to think that when things are so fucked up in my house, so fucked up that I could just get killed by mistake. Is it right that even with this fucked up house I still want to stay here so I can see her when she wants to see me, so I can get a hug from her, so I can talk to her, is it right?

Did I do the right thing by calling? Even if it ends up where I get taken away?


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-Confession: I've started cutting deeper and smoking again-

I'm scared I'm going to end up alone in life.

One of my teachers said that no matter what we enter this world alone and exit this world alone. I don't know if I excatly believe that. We don't enter this world alone... what about the human being that is giving birth to us? Or the doctor and hopfully father in the room help the woman giving to us? We aren't alone from the beginning at all; if we did begin alone I don't excatly think we'd live then. We need our mother most of all to take care of us when we're born.
So is this why we spend most of our life searching for the "right" person to exit this world with?

I don't know, it's just a thought.

Crash and Burn

Is it right to think that my hopes of seeing her this weekend or even just hearing her voice have crashed and burned? I feel like my heart keeps skipping a beat and I can't do anything about any of this other than try to breathe well crying uncontrolably.

I'm sure it doesn't even matter too much to her. Maybe it doesn't matter at all to her. And when I say that I don't mean she doesn't care about how I feel or anything that has to do with not caring. What I mean is that she can go on living without seeing me other than maybe feeling bad that it makes me sad. Trust me, I know she cares, I know she's sorry, what I don't know is does it matter to her to see me before I go away for a week again... and not matter to her because it matters to me, but matter to her, just her. The other thing I don't know is does it matter to her (not me) to call me before I go.

Really, I guess, the one thing I want to know is do I matter to her.

100th Post

okay, so I was joking myself that I didn't have high hopes that I would see her this weekend. I do, I can't help it. At least this time I pretty much know that my hopes are going to be let down.

There's things I'd like to say in this blog but for some reason I just don't want to. Mostly because it's stuff I would tell my friends. Now because of that fight with her and the fact that she isn't online due to a concert she's at with her two best friends, I don't excatly have anyone to tell. Of course, there's Kaitlyn and Megan who happen to be online right now but they never seem to care as much as she does. Of course, they all go "ooo" and than it's just the normal "lol" and trying to seem like it's interesting.. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe she would do that too, but for some reason I highly doubt she would. Or maybe I just would not get the vibe that it isn't important to her from her.

Needless to say, I miss her,
A lot.

Mmm home. In spite of the fact that my mom didn't stop bitching all the way home and my dad is mad for some reason and keeps swearing and my brother isn't because he's at work AND my dog doesn't seem too interested in me being home... it still feels good to be home, somewhat. Although, I thought once I got home and laid in my bed and stuff, I still feel like something's missing... Maybe it's just the fact that her and I had a fight the other night and all I really wanted from coming home is to see her, hug her. Maybe that is it, I'm hoping it is and I'm hoping that that fight was really nothing... I miss her so much and I keep worrying that I'm not going to see her this weekend because she isn't going to call or anything...
I want my brother too. I want to hug him. More than anything I want to just hug him tightly and cry on his shoulder. I don't know why, but I do. I've missed him too.

I feel so empty inside.

Smitten. I've decided I don't like that word. I am not smittened by him. I do not like him in anyway other than a friend.
-Just thought I'd clear that up-

I don't think I'll get one of the jobs I want. I should look for a career I can actually get money out of. I may want to write, take pictures or direct, but we all know I'll never make it. I'm fully giving up on those careers.

I'm trying to deicide if I should quit this job already, I hate being away from her. I may need the money but being with her means so much more than money to me.

WHY am I so scared it's going to happen again? We won't stop being friends just cause I'm there and she's hanging out with them, right? I mean, this is just me being paranoid, right? Nothing is wrong, right? Nothing will change when I get home, right? She does really miss me and not just saying that because I am... right..?

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My dad puts down his burger and says, "Don't you with we could pick the we love?"
"Yeah," I say. "Or just make the people we love want the same things we want."
"Yeah," he says. "That would be pretty good, too."

-Baby Proof by Emily Giffin

Why was today so happy like? All I want to go is see all my really good friends and just laugh and hug them all tightly. I miss everything about home all of a sudden, and it's hardly even been a full week. Of course, there's my mom which I don't miss at all, but I definately miss my doggie and my brother and my daddy and even my brothers girlfriend. More importantly, I REALLY miss my bed!
Although, despite my happiness today there's still that sharp little pain in my chest telling me I have no reason to be happy, she doesn't love you, she's only a friend, and what happens when you lose that friendship, hmm? It's like my mind and body doesn't want me to be happy. I can't explain how much I hurt deep down. It's like I can smile, I can laugh, I can even trick myself into thinking I truly am happy, but in the end I feel horrible.
I also can't begin to describe how much I miss her even though it's only been a week. The only thing I think that hurts almost as much is the fact that she has plans when I get home so I don't even know if I'll see her at all this weekend because I have some feeling that my mom has plans for me. (my brother called me to tell me that my mom is bitching about how much she loves me not being there and he's worried she'll kick me out even during my weekend home... so if that happens that means I'll be out all Saturday and either fighting or just plain packing all Sunday before I come back here to downy ville)

Three days here and I've already had a date (if you can call it that) with a, very nice looking may I mention, guy living here. I don't excatly believe you can call it a date as he just randomly talked to me well he was at summer school and I was testing the alarms at that school. He very nicely asked me when I was getting off and asked to show me around the town. Of course, I've already seen around the town but said yes to him anyways haha. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time since I've been here. And let me tell you, the ice cream here is FUCKING AMAZING. It's to die for haha. Anyways this guy, named David by the way, asked how long I was staying here and asked for my phone number. when he asked for my phone number I decided I didn't like the idea, not the fact that he would have it, but the fact of how I would be waiting by the phone day in and day out. Therefore I told him that I would love to give it to him as long as he PROMISED to call. He said of course he would but just to make me feel better he would give me his too, so this way, if he doesn't call I can call him and tell him off (his words, not mine).

That's the only exciting thing that's happened around here lately in downy ville. But if you want to know more about the "date" ;], you're gonna have to either ask, or wait till I'm not so tired to write another blog. (hint hint Emilie, this is what I wanted to tell you before you went offline uni)

Over the last two days that I've been away from I've realized something. Not only am I super shy, but I really dislike a lot of things. I hate having my hair not straight or other peoples showers. I miss my bed dearly. I'm thankful to even be able to get on the internet. I'm deathly afraid of thunder storms and warnings that there's going to be a tornto... and I don't fully start being "myself" around people that I don't spend everyday with unless I spend 3 days with them, living with them, working with them, and having to talk to them or I won't get paid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm getting paid (and how much I'm getting paid) I think I'd be out of here as fast as I could be. It's not that I hate it here, I don't think I do, but I miss the simple things of home. Of course, I don't miss my parents (although that's no good because my cousin and her husband seem to fight just as much, but I think it's mostly Travis... I don't know whether I like him or not, he's nice but just a bit... edgey. To be totally honest, he scares me a little) but I do miss my bed, my friends, my brother, I even miss my house and I hate my house.

Other than those little things, I'm not excatly enjoying it, but I don't hate it, nor do I dislike it. It's not hard at all, there isn't really a word to describe it. I push some buttons, there's either a super annoying sound or I have to watch a light to figure out if the alarm went off, then I push some more buttons and stuff and then wait for the next signal and do all the button pushing over again. I do that from 8am to 4pm. We do at least two schools a day. Ugh, getting up at 7am on summer vacation is not my favourite thing in the world. I'm finding I get tired really easily because I'm use to sleeping in but I'll get use to it hopfully. I thought I was gonna get a lot more reading done but this is the first time I've sat down the whole time I've been here (other than mistakely staying up till 1.30am last night playing sims 2).

Because I have so much time to think during waiting for the next alarm, I've found myself thinking about the mistakes I've made in my life so far and how things could be. Not only that, I've been thinking about how my friendship with Emilie is something that I'm finally happy with, I think. Now that I've decided that I'm scared something's going to change and I keep getting paranoid, so much that I can't sleep sometimes.

(I still can't believe how much I've thought and done in just two days away from home)

The most worse thing seats in this house (my cousin's house). A scale. The thing that sucks the most is it's in the bathroom that I use the most. I feel so bad now too because I've become obsessed with weighing myself. I vow to never buy a scale when I have my own house. The funny thing is I'm not having a bad problem with how much I weigh (98 pounds... I'm not proud of it) but I'm having a problem with what I look like. I seriously do not look like 98 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I weighed myself, I was guessing 120 at the least. No matter, since my mother thinks I have an eating disorder I'm on 3 meals a day, if I don't, no money. I don't even see why she cares, I'll be out of her life soon anyways. It's not so much that I care what people think about what I look like, I've realized that a lot, I care more what people think of my personality. It's the fact that I care what I look like... and, like cutting, it's something I can control, as stupid as that is.

*sighs* hmm what else has happened... I fell in a puddle and majorly hurt my ass. Umm, my sim child got taken by a social worker because she froze... and adult sim me is almost too old to have kids... umm.. cutting.. yeah.. not such a new subject but I have been trying to cut down on that.. not really working. It's hard living away from her, worrying things will change between her or she'll just change, and of course the dreams don't help one bit. I think I'm just super scared that without me there, without me talking to her, she'll forget about me and Brodie and Meagan will become more of her best friends than they already are. I know it's a silly thing to be paranoid about and I know I have a lot of things like that to improve on, but having no friends here and lots of time to think doesn't help at all.

Also, well I've been here I've realized something else, I don't excatly like guys how I thought before. How I really see a guy (as hilarious as it sounds) is a big walking, talking sperm... without a guy I can't have a baby that's all mine and my lovers and I think, besides the fact that kids are my favourite thing in the world lately, that I really do want a kid that's all mine and my lovers. It's sad that with a girl I can never have that and guys just seem to be the right thing to marry for that reason only... I think I need to think what I really want, not just for the baby factor, but for the love factor, I need to figure out if I'm just kidding myself that I'm bisexual and not really a lesbian.


(Also, sorry to the person that commented on my birthday post. Firstly, I just didn't notice someone commented it and when I did I went to comment back and I can't =[ so I just wanted to say thank you very much for the comment on my writing, that really does make me happy)

Why can't I stop crying?! It's just a fucking couple of weeks... I'm overacting so much. I just keep thinking something's going to happen... change things. I don't want anything to change. Sure, I'm not completely happy but I am somewhat, it's the closest I've been to happy. I don't want to come back and figure out that something changed with her... or he came here.. or something happened, anything happened.
afaklfjaklsjfklsajfklsahjkfahskjfahs
If shasklhfjsakl ugh, I need help. There's so many things I want to say, need to say, but I'm so scared what she'll think, what'll happen if someone knows. I can't do this.

I'm disappointed in myself.
Very disappointed.
It was just so tempting. I was hurting. I wanted relief. A feeling that could be on the outside, not the inside. The bright color of red just seems to send a relief that I can't describe. The pain over takes the pain on the inside and lets me forget. The only worry I have is I think it was too deep.
The scary thing is... I think I'm accidted to cutting again.

I don't want to go anymore. Please don't make me go. I want to stay here. I don't even fucking get to see her before I go and it's bloody two weeks. I don't care if she doesn't think that's a long time to not talk/see each other, I want to see her.

Yesterday feels so far away. For some reason I blame my hope, faith, and dreams on that.
Why does it seem like things will get better, I'll be happy, then when I finally let my dreams drift off to maybe, just maybe, one day it'll happen, it'll all be how I'd like it to be, then everything goes down hill and things get worse. It's like my life is telling me that'll never happen, and I do, I know it won't, but is it really so bad to just hope?

I won't talk to her after this and I know I'm probably the only one here that cares about this but... it does hurt...

When I'm having a bad day I go to her, hoping she can cheer me up. No such luck

If she isn't on tonight I'm scared I won't talk to her till I come back

What is it about that heart?
Why is it whenever I see it my eyes fill and my throat closes?
Why is it that it feels so far away?
I could be cheap and just plainly say "because it is"
Because that's basically the truth
But it just doesn't seem as important as it is in those plain words

I know how to ruin every perfect moment
I know how to ruin the perfect rainy day
I know how to ruin the perfect week by ruining one moment
I know how to ruin my life

All I know is how to ruin things

I wish I could get it out of my head. I wish that summer would end, not because I hate being bored, but because I hate the memories it holds. I wish my mind would stop flashing back to the times we've had.
I am comfortable with our friendship right now, really I am, I wouldn't change it for the world and I'm trying to stop being paranoid just so I don't ruin anything. I know it's better to have you here, have you with me, and I feel so selfish for wanting more when I already have so much. I have a great friendship with her and she's here with me but I still want us to be together. I feel so slefish for wanting more, I shouldn't want more.
Maybe this summer isn't better than last summer, but it isn't worse either, I don't know what it is. If anything I would just like the flash backs to stop, the reminder of how things use to be... of what has happen.. the good and the bad.

I'm sorry, so very sorry.

Now what?


I can't keep living my life on the sims... I can't keep pretending that things I want to happen will.

Where does reality check in and imagation check out?

Happy Birthday Me!

Yay... 15...
I'm actually doing nothing today... zip... nothin'... zero. I wish I was but you know... none of my friends either a. know it's my birthday, b. aren't online and probably won't call me or c. know it's my birthday, were online, but probably won't be online till way into the night when we won't do anything anyways... I'm just guessing.
I guess the thing that's really bugging me is I didn't know she promised she would do something for my birthday before she told me and then I was kinda holding on that for something to do today... also, because that's really the only person I want to be spending my time today. And what hurts even more is that I haven't talked to her in two days, that hurts, and than I finally talk to her, on my birthday, and she totally just goes right offline after saying happy birthday to me (although it really wasn't her fault because her dad was kicking her off). I guess I deserve it though... I hardly even said happy birthday to her face this year... but we were in a fight, I didn't think she even wanted to talk to me. I don't know... it just really hurts, the only person besides her that I want to do something with today is my brother and he's going out... therefore, I'm going to be sitting at home playing sims 2 on my birthday like I will be for the rest of my lonely days of my life.

Also, I've decided to take that job because there's more money than I thought there was involed ($300 a week!) and I leave tomorrow and won't be back till the weekend but then I only have till Sunday before I have to go back again and stuff so I mean... I won't be talking to her at all basically... it's like taking my freedom of the summer... maybe I will only do the first 2 weeks like my brother suggested, that way it isn't the whole summer. Although, either way I'm still leaving tomorrow and the only thing that's gonna cheer me up right now is a hug from her...

I'm too tired to even think let alone go get a computer. I shouldn't even be getting it, it feels wrong. Also, everything that's on this computer hasn't been backed up yet so where the fuck is the new computer gonna go?

Yesterday was fucking amazing. I actually got over my paranoid thoughts about roller coaster all because she tricked me. I realized how trusting I am now. I can meet a new person and as soon as I figure they aren't an asshole, I can trust them. I should really stop that, stop trusting every person that comes into my life.

Tomorrow... for some reason I don't want tomorrow to come... I don't want to turn 15. I wanna go back to the old times where the only thing I worried about was if my little pink dress would get ruined some how during the day. If I turn 15 it'll just mean that this time next year I'll be 16, nothing more and nothing less. So why does it feel so bad? I'm trying to tell myself it's because I don't want to be 16 next summer, I don't want to move on, I don't want to see my future.

To be honest, the only thing I do want right now, and know it's possible, is for you to be happy. With him, with me, with your family, with school, with anything you do... I want you to be happy. I don't know why I want this, other than the fact that I love you, but other than that I can't think of a reason why all my thoughts always stop and I start to think how happy I'd be if you were happy. I really think that's the only thing pushing me on to see what tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that brings me. All my suicidal thoughts are cut off with the thought that I want to see you happy everyday from this day forward.
The other thing I'd like, which I feel so selfish for wanting, is to be with you and watch you throughout your life as a friend. I think that would make me happy too, just being there.