For once, I think all the tears have dried up. I spent about an hour studing my face, my veins, my body, and the tears that just never seem to stop. And I know this sounds totally insane and weird, but when I started to study the veins on my wirst and wonder what it feels like to cut them open so much that the blood would just start to pour and slowly kill you of blood lose, my tears started to subside with them drying on my red cheeks. I have a feeling that the one thing that doesn't scare me or make me paranoid is the thought of death... the thought of it all ending so suddenly.

Can I make these thoughts up into suicidal thoughts? Are they suicidal thoughts?

I've been up since 5am and it's only 4pm... this has been the longest 11 hours of my life. But no matter how long these 11 hours have taken to pass by the only thought that has stayed in my mind is how much I wish I could stay here just to be close to her. Is that insane? Is it right for me to think that when things are so fucked up in my house, so fucked up that I could just get killed by mistake. Is it right that even with this fucked up house I still want to stay here so I can see her when she wants to see me, so I can get a hug from her, so I can talk to her, is it right?

Did I do the right thing by calling? Even if it ends up where I get taken away?


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-Confession: I've started cutting deeper and smoking again-