Over the last two days that I've been away from I've realized something. Not only am I super shy, but I really dislike a lot of things. I hate having my hair not straight or other peoples showers. I miss my bed dearly. I'm thankful to even be able to get on the internet. I'm deathly afraid of thunder storms and warnings that there's going to be a tornto... and I don't fully start being "myself" around people that I don't spend everyday with unless I spend 3 days with them, living with them, working with them, and having to talk to them or I won't get paid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm getting paid (and how much I'm getting paid) I think I'd be out of here as fast as I could be. It's not that I hate it here, I don't think I do, but I miss the simple things of home. Of course, I don't miss my parents (although that's no good because my cousin and her husband seem to fight just as much, but I think it's mostly Travis... I don't know whether I like him or not, he's nice but just a bit... edgey. To be totally honest, he scares me a little) but I do miss my bed, my friends, my brother, I even miss my house and I hate my house.

Other than those little things, I'm not excatly enjoying it, but I don't hate it, nor do I dislike it. It's not hard at all, there isn't really a word to describe it. I push some buttons, there's either a super annoying sound or I have to watch a light to figure out if the alarm went off, then I push some more buttons and stuff and then wait for the next signal and do all the button pushing over again. I do that from 8am to 4pm. We do at least two schools a day. Ugh, getting up at 7am on summer vacation is not my favourite thing in the world. I'm finding I get tired really easily because I'm use to sleeping in but I'll get use to it hopfully. I thought I was gonna get a lot more reading done but this is the first time I've sat down the whole time I've been here (other than mistakely staying up till 1.30am last night playing sims 2).

Because I have so much time to think during waiting for the next alarm, I've found myself thinking about the mistakes I've made in my life so far and how things could be. Not only that, I've been thinking about how my friendship with Emilie is something that I'm finally happy with, I think. Now that I've decided that I'm scared something's going to change and I keep getting paranoid, so much that I can't sleep sometimes.

(I still can't believe how much I've thought and done in just two days away from home)

The most worse thing seats in this house (my cousin's house). A scale. The thing that sucks the most is it's in the bathroom that I use the most. I feel so bad now too because I've become obsessed with weighing myself. I vow to never buy a scale when I have my own house. The funny thing is I'm not having a bad problem with how much I weigh (98 pounds... I'm not proud of it) but I'm having a problem with what I look like. I seriously do not look like 98 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I weighed myself, I was guessing 120 at the least. No matter, since my mother thinks I have an eating disorder I'm on 3 meals a day, if I don't, no money. I don't even see why she cares, I'll be out of her life soon anyways. It's not so much that I care what people think about what I look like, I've realized that a lot, I care more what people think of my personality. It's the fact that I care what I look like... and, like cutting, it's something I can control, as stupid as that is.

*sighs* hmm what else has happened... I fell in a puddle and majorly hurt my ass. Umm, my sim child got taken by a social worker because she froze... and adult sim me is almost too old to have kids... umm.. cutting.. yeah.. not such a new subject but I have been trying to cut down on that.. not really working. It's hard living away from her, worrying things will change between her or she'll just change, and of course the dreams don't help one bit. I think I'm just super scared that without me there, without me talking to her, she'll forget about me and Brodie and Meagan will become more of her best friends than they already are. I know it's a silly thing to be paranoid about and I know I have a lot of things like that to improve on, but having no friends here and lots of time to think doesn't help at all.

Also, well I've been here I've realized something else, I don't excatly like guys how I thought before. How I really see a guy (as hilarious as it sounds) is a big walking, talking sperm... without a guy I can't have a baby that's all mine and my lovers and I think, besides the fact that kids are my favourite thing in the world lately, that I really do want a kid that's all mine and my lovers. It's sad that with a girl I can never have that and guys just seem to be the right thing to marry for that reason only... I think I need to think what I really want, not just for the baby factor, but for the love factor, I need to figure out if I'm just kidding myself that I'm bisexual and not really a lesbian.


(Also, sorry to the person that commented on my birthday post. Firstly, I just didn't notice someone commented it and when I did I went to comment back and I can't =[ so I just wanted to say thank you very much for the comment on my writing, that really does make me happy)