Lately I haven't been so happy for the fridays that come around. I have seemed to surprise myself when I lie to people lately too. Occasionally I get the "is everything okay?" and I seem to quickly reply without thinking, "yep" and smile at the person. It's funny how I can't seem to lie when everything's is perfectly fine but once my world seems to start falling apart yet again I seem to be able to lie every single person, even her now, that everything is in fact fine. Other than my little bitchy ness that comes and goes I seem to be dealing with everything perfectly. But then friday's seem to role around and there's a part of me that wants to forget about everything, make plans, get of the house. But for some reason I never do. I want to see if things will be different this time, on two levels. I want to see if my friday's will turn back into spending time with her... but more then that, lately I want to see if my friday's won't turn into fights with my mom, as they often have in the recent friday's that have passed.
So, although I can lie to the people around me, it seems that inside I know the truth and can't get past it. It seems like lunches have turned into alone time as it seems that each girls bathroom in our school is quiet at lunch time now as it use to be so busy in there. Now it seems to be a place where I can be ashamed of myself and cry with no around. More then just crying, lately I've been bring a blade to school again and doing the same thing I use to do every lunch when I soon found out that the 3rd floor bathroom is mostly empty every lunch other than the odd girl coming in.
After lunch, at least 3 minutes or even seconds, before the bell rings I seem to be able to suck it up and go to my next class. Although today was definately different.
Today, the morning started off fine. Even though she didn't seem to talk willing to me on her own at all, I still seemed to be in a pretty good mood. It was in geo that I seemed to have open up to someone I never thought I would. Talking to him about death and my suicide attempts obviously wasn't part of the plan. I never wanted to open up to anyone about half the stuff I told him, some even being unknown by her. Yet, I seemed to go on and on about things that have happened in my past. I was surprised at how well I could fight back the tears I wanted to so badly show. I also seemed to keep a surprising good sound voice, not sounding sad or on the verge of tears at all.
At lunchtime again she didn't talk to me willingly and a little part of me thought I shouldn't of gone with her to the libaray. So, as soon as someone showed up (someone being someone I knew excatly that she wanted to be with, maybe even be with her instead of me), I finished the paragraph I was reading and said I was leaving. I did plan to go straight down to the cafe to find the one person that lately wants to be around me during school time (never after school) but instead found myself going up the stairs to the girls 3rd floor bathroom yet again. There, I sat down and cried not knowing what came over me. Yet again I pulled out the blade that was tucked safely away in my backpack and began to cut more seemingly straight lines on my wrist. After crying over how ashamed I was of myself for doing something I so want to stop and had stop not but days ago, I went down to the cafe to find someone I could talk to for the last few minutes of lunch. I found someone, sat down, and chatted until the bell rang and we all went off to class.
Math class was an exam and I definately failed as I could not concert on the material given to us. No matter I finished just seconds before the bell and went off to my english, one of the classes I love to have at the end of the day as the people I sit with always seem to make me laugh. Of course, they didn't fail me and I was laughing and smiling and seemingly happy throughout most of the class. Me and my friend that I've seemed to have a tiny crush on for quite some time started to laugh as he tried to throw things down my shirt. I went to grab his hand that was holding the piece of paper he wanted to throw down my shirt next and suddenly I looked down at my wrist, he had pulled off my wrist band. Not one person around us seemed to know because it was under the table we were sitted at. I quickly took my wrist band and put it back on, not daring to look up at him. He said my name in a low whisper, and still I didn't look up. He whispered a sorry as the next student went up to present and I nodded and watch the next presentation (something I hadn't done throughout the whole class). For the rest of the class me and him didn't talk other then saying things about how many times one of the presenters would say "um", something we've done since we started presentations in that class. As soon as the bell rang I left without a goodbye to him or any of the other people I usually talk to during that class.
At my locker I gathered my things and waited awhile to see if she would come to her locker and maybe just manage a hello to me. When she came she hardly even looked at me and I found myself waiting a little while longer just to see if maybe she would ask if I wanted to walk home with her. She didn't and as I left I felt like crying again, being disappointed I didn't have anyone to talk to again tonight.
When I got home I quickly ran up to my room and cried a bit till I heard my mom come in the door. Not thinking about the kids around her my mom did the same thing she always did when she came home. She stood in the doorway of my room and bitched about every little thing possbile. I, again, just sat there and took it, not knowing what to do.
As soon as the kids left other than the little baby she told me to watch the little one. I did as I was told and played with her till her parents came to get her. Not moments after I had closed the door from her parents leaving I turned around and got slapped right on my cheek. My face started to get red and burn and I knew I was only moments away from tears. My mom laughed a evil one and told me I was such a little dyke for going and crying right after a stupid little slap in the face. I did the best I could to not total bawl till I got in my room and heard my mother leave out the back door.

___________________________________________________________________

I really had no reason to tell this other than being bored and feeling like I needed to get it out of me.