I hate this. Not one person seems to understand that I AM SICK. My brother came home last night with a mob of people and decided to listen to death metal all night. Two fucking am in the fucking morning. I had just gotten to sleep too, and let me to tell you, I thought getting to sleep was hard enough before I was sick, now itès just horrid.

Seeing how I've had so much time on my hands I've been thinking so much. Not only am I still pissed off about work but I'm now pissed off at many other things. First of all, I'm working the 29th. Then I keep thinking about the last time I was at school. Why were we walking home with Brodie? I mean I know I told myself not to worry about it because I got her to go away but now I just keep thinking why in the fucking world would she invite her along? Does she not know I hate Brodie right now? Or that I feel replaced by her because she's always fucking with her? Or how about how I've been complaining that WE don't spend anytime together ALONE anymore? I mean, FUCK!
Or how about those damn fish? That was something we were suppose to do TOGETHER, ALONE. A fucking day ALONE. Something NO ONE ELSE was suppose to have anything to do with. Now all I keep thinking about is how Meagan and Brodie know and how she was with Meagan the first night I was sick (the day she wanted to walk home with fucking Brodie) and how she and Meagan talked about it. Don't get me wrong, I still wanna go get a fish with her, but it's lost all meaning for me now as the world seems to know that Emilie wants a fish and I was planning to get it for her. Then what about last night? Or work? Or today? I know none of those things are her fault but I'm still pissed off about them. Last night I was SUPPOSE to be at that fucking party with her and because I'm fucking sick it didn't work out that way. NOW not only will I probably never hear the end of that party like last year with Meagan and Emilie and whoever else went, but I probably won't get it out of my fucking mind that I could of been there with them this time - unlike last night. And then work. I know it wasn't her fucking fault that I worked upstairs well she worked downstairs with Alicja BUT the one thing she could of done is not let Alicja cuddle her. Yes, I'm still pissed about that but you know try having two full days (going on the thrid) to think about all these stupid things. And then today she gets to work with those fucking people all over again well I get to sit at home and worry that I'm losing her to yet another fucking person. Brodie, Alicja. It'll never end because I guess I'm just that horrible of a person that I don't get one fucking thing - like I use to with cuddling or with her telling me things.
I wanna make it VERY clear that I do not blame Emilie for any of these things. I blame me for being sick and for being the horrible person I am for over thinking and overracting to them. The only thing I may just blame her for is the walking home with Brodie thing, but I'm TRYING to not worry about it. The reason I did not email her last night as it was the only thing I'd probably talk about in that email as I had nothing better to say. I wouldn't even be writing all this stuff if I wasn't such a fucking horrblie person and so pissed off at everything because my family just can't seeem to stop fucking yelling at me for being sick - something I can not control.
Sorry.


*sighs* The only good thing that can come from this stupid fucking sickness is if I die. Please, please, PLEASE say that will happen or this is the end of the world or SOMETHING!

That or someone... no just her... acknowledging that I'm sick and letting me just fucking cuddle her till I'm better. That's all I want. That and silence as my head fucking KILLS.






I think God gets pleasure from tutoring me so fucking much with all this shit.