I've read her email about a thousand times now. I probably should of done that before I emailed back because now there's so much more I want to say.
The stupid thing is... I know this is all my fault and it has hardly anything to do with her.... it's just... I know her, maybe more than she realizes. And I know that sounds so self-centered because how much can you know a person without actually being them? but the thing is I love her so much that I've studied everything about her. I can point out when she's feeling sad, when she's happy, when she's somewhat faking happy - like when somethings bothering her deep down, I can mostly tell when she's angry but that ones a little hard as she isn't angry that often as much as I know.
I do realize all that shit sounds sooooo self-centered... like I'm trying to tell the world I know her better than she knows her self. But I'm not, really. All I'm trying to say is that I know her... and sometimes I doubt that she knows me and this is why I think we're having so many problems at times. I actually want her to know me better than I know myself - I've always wanted a best friend like that. (yes, I'm talking FRIENDS not more than friends... I'm putting that aside for now).

She wants to start over, and don't get me wrong, I'd love that. It's just... I need her help with it. I can't do this all by myself even if it is all my fault. But the truth is there's things that bug each of us about each other and I think we both just need to try to not be so bugged out by them or try harder to not do those things. Like... her ignoring me - all she needs to do is talk to me more. And I have to give her credit, that little detail HAS improved. or like... she hates how I ask if she cares about me or not - all I need to do is realize she does care, maybe not as much as she use to, but the sooner I stop asking that question, the sooner she'll start care just a little more.
See? I know what I'm doing wrong and I know how to fix it. The only thing is I can't fix it when it's me and I'm angry because personally, when I'm angry and miserable, I want everyone else angry and miserable. Therefore I'm going to say everything possible to piss her off (I have been trying to reframe from it though - eg. I left her alone when she asked.. after making my point though). The only way I can fully stop doing those annoying things is if she stops the annoying things she does.




Also, I think it needs to be clear that "starting over" to me means going back to when we first became friends. And I just hope to god she knows that because I haven't really told her that. I guess I should also explain that going back to when we first became friends is a hella lot different from now.... as in no brodie, no meagan, we hung every night, walked to school everyday, had sleepover at least every other weekend or even every weekend.
I want all that back.

I know... I'm a horrible, selfish person - I get it.




Hmm... also, my "date" is still September 29th even if she did email. Because just because she emailed (NOT that it doesn't mean anything because it DOES) but just because she emailed doesn't mean the next day is going to be just the same thing over again. I truly can not held this, my heart breaking every single fucking day, and the crap that goes on in my house. Which I still haven't told anyone and really I plan on keeping it that way unless SHE asked ME if I'm okay. If she wants to know, she'll ask.