This blog is gonna be deleted soon enough. This weekend at least (I've just gotta copy and keep all these as it's a part of my life I don't want to lose). Anyways if anyone wants my new account just ask.

I can't believe I'm STILL sick. My head hurts like a fucking bitch. Not to mention Brodie is apparently pissed at me too and I'm sure Meagan is too seeing how she's hardly spoken to me but she has been a hell of a lot nicer than Brodie has. I somewhat think it's because I was hanging out with Emilie last night and now she knows I'm walking with her tomorrow but FUCK.
1 - Brodie and Emilie have been walking together A LOT (I've only walked with Emilie once ~ not that I'm blaming ANY of this on her)
2 - Brodie and Meagan hang out with Emilie all the time. Plus, if they REALLY want her that badly maybe they should come fucking say so to my face.

Whatever... If I'm still pissed at Brodie tomorrow I'll talk to her about it.. more calmly of course because nothing gets solved by yelling... unless she yells at me first. Although in that case I'll just walk away probably. Ugh to be honest I really can't deal with this, nor do I want to and nor do I care if Brodie hates me or not. I just care about Emilie and how this would affect her and our friendship.

My mood today: cheerful



Today was a good day. I got my braces off - I got to miss the whole morning of school because of it. Then I went to school and at first it was kinda blah but I was happy because I didn't have braces. I saw her and I got a plain hi but for some reason it didn't bother me, I was in a rush anyways. Then in civics me and my friend were laughing through the whole class and some guy said my teeth look really good so that made me happy. Then after that me and my friend from civics were walking home and her locker happened to be like right outside the classroom so I saw her and was like "hey" and I was in a really good mood so I don't think I screwed up the conversation at all. Then she told me she was going out with meagan and brodie and stuff (it was an early dismissal) but when brodie and meagan walked by apparently she told them to just keep going basically lol so we spent the rest of the day till dinner at my house and taking pictures. It really meant a lot me because it was just all happy. And she took the pictures this time which I actually really liked because she gave me comments on me and stuff and then just like.. yeah =)
Also I got lots of hugs and stuff and like a whole bunch of other stuff like that. I think our whole "we're gonna work this out" talks are really working now because I think we're both trying. I've decided that I'm going to try and get therapy instead of doing something I may later regert or something like that. Also, it helps me a lot that she's gonna be there when I call a suicide hotline and when I tell my mom I want to get therapy and stuff like that. It really means a lot to me, like I can't even describe how much it means to me. She was even the one that suggested she wait upstairs in my room well I tell my mom and then when I'm done she'll just be there for me and stuff.

I just.. I'm happy for once and that even makes me happier and it seems to make her happy too which just makes me even happier. I just don't want this to stop like it has before, therefore I'm gonna try really hard to not say anything wrong on msn as that's when we usually have our fights and I'm also gonna try to not let little things like her spending time with Alicja bug me.. also if they really do I'll just tell her in a calm matter and stuff like that.
But right now I'm not gonna worry about that, I'm happy and I just don't want that to end tonight with something I start thinking about.

how do you go about asking your parents that hate you for a theraby?



I don't know many things and at this current moment I can't feel many feelings because of all the meds I'm on... but I do know one thing; I can never live without her.

it just feels so great to be told that someone doesn't want to spend time with you and can't all because you're sick. And then the one person you think WILL come around you, they surprise you and really won't come around you.

Nice eh? My worse fear is being alone and I've been alone for a total of 3 days, 4 in counting.

four days in counting. I know she was on last night.... I emailed her... she never emailed me back. A better of me doesn't want to think this but I can't help it... she has said it herself before too. Is she still trying to stay away from me?

This is how bored I am today. Not only is NO ONE online but my brother has totally abandoned me to be with his friends. So, due to boredom, I decided to take pictures of all the things that have been with me 24/7 well I've been sick. When no one will hug you or even come near you when you're sick, these things are definately a must have (plus a stuffed animal and pillow but the pictures I took of those things with these things didn't really work out - not enough light).

Tylenol Ultra, Benylin Dry Cough and Cold, Halls, Water, and Puffs Plus with the scent of Vicks are the only things that seem to want me to get better.

I hate this. Not one person seems to understand that I AM SICK. My brother came home last night with a mob of people and decided to listen to death metal all night. Two fucking am in the fucking morning. I had just gotten to sleep too, and let me to tell you, I thought getting to sleep was hard enough before I was sick, now itès just horrid.

Seeing how I've had so much time on my hands I've been thinking so much. Not only am I still pissed off about work but I'm now pissed off at many other things. First of all, I'm working the 29th. Then I keep thinking about the last time I was at school. Why were we walking home with Brodie? I mean I know I told myself not to worry about it because I got her to go away but now I just keep thinking why in the fucking world would she invite her along? Does she not know I hate Brodie right now? Or that I feel replaced by her because she's always fucking with her? Or how about how I've been complaining that WE don't spend anytime together ALONE anymore? I mean, FUCK!
Or how about those damn fish? That was something we were suppose to do TOGETHER, ALONE. A fucking day ALONE. Something NO ONE ELSE was suppose to have anything to do with. Now all I keep thinking about is how Meagan and Brodie know and how she was with Meagan the first night I was sick (the day she wanted to walk home with fucking Brodie) and how she and Meagan talked about it. Don't get me wrong, I still wanna go get a fish with her, but it's lost all meaning for me now as the world seems to know that Emilie wants a fish and I was planning to get it for her. Then what about last night? Or work? Or today? I know none of those things are her fault but I'm still pissed off about them. Last night I was SUPPOSE to be at that fucking party with her and because I'm fucking sick it didn't work out that way. NOW not only will I probably never hear the end of that party like last year with Meagan and Emilie and whoever else went, but I probably won't get it out of my fucking mind that I could of been there with them this time - unlike last night. And then work. I know it wasn't her fucking fault that I worked upstairs well she worked downstairs with Alicja BUT the one thing she could of done is not let Alicja cuddle her. Yes, I'm still pissed about that but you know try having two full days (going on the thrid) to think about all these stupid things. And then today she gets to work with those fucking people all over again well I get to sit at home and worry that I'm losing her to yet another fucking person. Brodie, Alicja. It'll never end because I guess I'm just that horrible of a person that I don't get one fucking thing - like I use to with cuddling or with her telling me things.
I wanna make it VERY clear that I do not blame Emilie for any of these things. I blame me for being sick and for being the horrible person I am for over thinking and overracting to them. The only thing I may just blame her for is the walking home with Brodie thing, but I'm TRYING to not worry about it. The reason I did not email her last night as it was the only thing I'd probably talk about in that email as I had nothing better to say. I wouldn't even be writing all this stuff if I wasn't such a fucking horrblie person and so pissed off at everything because my family just can't seeem to stop fucking yelling at me for being sick - something I can not control.
Sorry.


*sighs* The only good thing that can come from this stupid fucking sickness is if I die. Please, please, PLEASE say that will happen or this is the end of the world or SOMETHING!

That or someone... no just her... acknowledging that I'm sick and letting me just fucking cuddle her till I'm better. That's all I want. That and silence as my head fucking KILLS.






I think God gets pleasure from tutoring me so fucking much with all this shit.

I hate being sick. I actually WANTED to go to school today. Mostly because I'm gonna be sooo behind on monday but also because I hate her being somewhere I can be with her but I'm just not...
Like at work last night. I can't even express how mad I was, and sad, when I found out that I didn't get to work with her and Alicja did. Everytime I went down there too Alicja was cuddling her. I wanted to slap her and be like "no! I cuddle her! It's the one thing I don't see anyone else do to her! It's the one thing that I have with her! Not you, you're not even her fucking friend!" and I knoooow that's selfish but fuck.. it's so true. I mean sure people hug her and shit but NO ONE cuddles her like I do. Maybe that's another reason I didn't go to school today.. I just didn't feel like seeing anyone. Of course, I still wanted to see her, nothing would ever make me NOT want to see her.
I'm also not going to my friends birthday party tonight which I feel horrid about because I told her I would and I missed it last year and everything. That was also my chance to hang out with her and you know, get a hug or something so I don't feel like such crap. All I've wanted all day is to just cuddle up to her but I know I won't get to do that (and the fact that I've cried over the fact that I probably won't get to cuddle with her for a very long time just makes me feel pathetic).
I'm starting to hate this whole love crap. All I do is cry over it and feel horrible and pathetic. Not to mention that I feel like I'm being punished for loving someone all the time.

Whatever, me typing on the keyboard is making my headache so much worse so I'm gonna go back to sleep. Who knows.. maybe she'll surprise me and call me when she sees I didn't show up for Megan's birthday party... I can only hope.

I'm sick. Benylin is like my best friend now. That and Halls and sleeping and cuddling... not that I've cuddled anybody =(

Since me and her worked things out it makes me less miserable and I'm actually going to try REALLY hard this time, no complaining or anything!
Although that doesn't make me worry anyless about anything. Like how I haven't talked to her since school ended. All these crazy things start going through my head that someone killed her or something insane like that. I just hope she's okay.

Do you know how long it took me to get some benylin from my parents? They didn't believe I was sick when I told them I was staying home from school tomorrow. My mom was all "are you going to try and kill yourself again?!" and everything. It's like when she cares but she doesn't. Although for once I'm not worried what she thinks or anyone else. I'm sick and staying home from school tomorrow. I got all my work that I'm doing tomorrow from my teachers so I'll be all caught up - you should of seen how proud my teachers were that I actually wanted more work so I would be ahead! Although on the down side of all that I know have a shit load of homework. BUT I found out with me being sick and my head just hurting like hell, homework is the only thing I can contract on - even staring at this computer screen is annoying.
My mom got so pissed at me when I canceled my manicure appointment today (even though she wasn't even paying). She was all "what the fuck?! You still have to pay her I hope you realize!" Yes, mother, I realize that, and I will. I'm going to pay her later with a tip too because she said as soon as I'm better to just come over, get my manicure, and only have to pay half price!

I don't think I've said on her that I got a job yet. Well I did. And I must say it's VERY stressful. Who knew work could be so confusing? Basically I'm a waitress for weddings and other big events. I work tomorrow too - another reason I'm not going to school, I want to be well rested to work lots and lots and lots! I'm just happy that I have something that is all me and her and has nothing to with her friends. Also my other friends are there too. Talking about those other friends, Brodie seems to be so uptight about me being friends with Alicja again. Meagan took it very well though, frankly I was surprised about that. But Brodie just seems to have some big problem with her. It's like just because she's not "her type" she doesn't want me to be friends with her. Yes, I was mad at her before. But I mean that was then, this is now. And she DID help me get my job (her mommy's my boss =P ). Anyways, Alicja IS really nice. If Kabriel isn't around - her best friend - she seems to pay SO much attention to me. And I know it sounds selfish but I do love attention. It just makes me feel like I should be here, other than me usually feeling like I don't belong here. To be truthful I think becoming friends with Alicja again is one of the best things for me. I mean I still worry about her - I love her, how can I not worry? - but having other friends that don't have to do with her (other than that she works with them too) is kind of... refreshing... realizing even. It's like it's the one time I don't need to worry about her or what she's doing because I have someone that's paying attention to me right infront of me. Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't want her (being the one I love) to not pay attention to me, I do, it's just not THAT important anymore. Although it is important haha to me at least.

ANYWAYS I think this is long enough. Time for some benylin and sleep. Nightie night :)

http://nrrrdy-grrrl.blogspot.com/





read this persons blog. It's interesting and really makes me think after another person has told me I should get help.

"I want it to go back to when we first became friends"
"Me too, lets both try"

a day later and it's all shot to hell like I expected

I've read her email about a thousand times now. I probably should of done that before I emailed back because now there's so much more I want to say.
The stupid thing is... I know this is all my fault and it has hardly anything to do with her.... it's just... I know her, maybe more than she realizes. And I know that sounds so self-centered because how much can you know a person without actually being them? but the thing is I love her so much that I've studied everything about her. I can point out when she's feeling sad, when she's happy, when she's somewhat faking happy - like when somethings bothering her deep down, I can mostly tell when she's angry but that ones a little hard as she isn't angry that often as much as I know.
I do realize all that shit sounds sooooo self-centered... like I'm trying to tell the world I know her better than she knows her self. But I'm not, really. All I'm trying to say is that I know her... and sometimes I doubt that she knows me and this is why I think we're having so many problems at times. I actually want her to know me better than I know myself - I've always wanted a best friend like that. (yes, I'm talking FRIENDS not more than friends... I'm putting that aside for now).

She wants to start over, and don't get me wrong, I'd love that. It's just... I need her help with it. I can't do this all by myself even if it is all my fault. But the truth is there's things that bug each of us about each other and I think we both just need to try to not be so bugged out by them or try harder to not do those things. Like... her ignoring me - all she needs to do is talk to me more. And I have to give her credit, that little detail HAS improved. or like... she hates how I ask if she cares about me or not - all I need to do is realize she does care, maybe not as much as she use to, but the sooner I stop asking that question, the sooner she'll start care just a little more.
See? I know what I'm doing wrong and I know how to fix it. The only thing is I can't fix it when it's me and I'm angry because personally, when I'm angry and miserable, I want everyone else angry and miserable. Therefore I'm going to say everything possible to piss her off (I have been trying to reframe from it though - eg. I left her alone when she asked.. after making my point though). The only way I can fully stop doing those annoying things is if she stops the annoying things she does.




Also, I think it needs to be clear that "starting over" to me means going back to when we first became friends. And I just hope to god she knows that because I haven't really told her that. I guess I should also explain that going back to when we first became friends is a hella lot different from now.... as in no brodie, no meagan, we hung every night, walked to school everyday, had sleepover at least every other weekend or even every weekend.
I want all that back.

I know... I'm a horrible, selfish person - I get it.




Hmm... also, my "date" is still September 29th even if she did email. Because just because she emailed (NOT that it doesn't mean anything because it DOES) but just because she emailed doesn't mean the next day is going to be just the same thing over again. I truly can not held this, my heart breaking every single fucking day, and the crap that goes on in my house. Which I still haven't told anyone and really I plan on keeping it that way unless SHE asked ME if I'm okay. If she wants to know, she'll ask.

this pisses me off - the whole boxedthoughts not working thing.

anyways this WOULD be my thought for it right now:

I hate misctios. there was one in my room... i killed it. now it's on my white walls -_-'

She said maybe she'll talk to me later if she felt like it...
Now she's offline. I sat here waiting for about two hours and she never said one word to me after that....

We work together Thursday, and we were gonna go see Resident Evil together - it comes out Friday... then we work together Saturday, and we were gonna take pictures together. I want to do all those things and more... I want to try and get my parents out of the house and invite her over again... why do I have this feeling none of this will happen now because she never talked to me tonight?

If this conutines the 29th of september is my date now.

I love her and I'm being punished for it. I really, really can't do this anymore...

my boxedthoughts won't let me post thoughts -_-'

Nothing new really, it was just a fight. My mom and I fight all the time. So why does this one feel different? She's never hurt my feelings so much before just by the words she chooses to speak. So why did these words hurt more?

"Look at you! You aren't anything special! Why do you think you have no friends?! Why do you think no one cares about you in this fucking world?!"

They were just words. They've been told to me so many different ways and I truly don't think that's the part that hurt me... I think it was what came afterwards.

"See?! Even the person you love the most doesn't want to be around you because you're a bitch, you're a horrible person. She hates you because of all that, she was thinking of ending your friendship because she doesn't care about you... she cares about them you stupid child! Look at you! You're here miserable and ready to die because of this one person that doesn't love, that will never love you! Open your eyes child! She. Doesn't. Care. About. You. She's replaced you. Forget about her and kill yourself already. You'd be doing everyone a favor."

Is it true? My mom doesn't know everything about me.. she can't be right, can she? It's not that I don't know I'm a horrible person, I know that. But... I always thought everything was just a feeling, my mind overracting to every little move she does because she's the only person I love, the only person that has ever loved me - even if it is just as a friend.
Have I truly ruined all that? Has it come to the point where I truly no one cares about me or loves me as a friend or more? How can I fuck up that much?

I need someone I trust to tell me different.. to tell me the truth.. to tell me if my mother is right.

I actually worked so hard to get my parents out of my house tonight. I've just felt bad tha tbecause of them she's hardly ever been to my house. Wonders of wonders, like everything, it's ruined by her again. I never realized it till I was sitting alone for most lunches and tonight, but I'm still really, really mad at her. Not to mention the "oh yeah I walk with her EVERYDAY!"

FUCK! Steal everyone I like, I mean I've got no chance with them. You just have a chance with everyone, steal the person everyone likes and be a bitch to the one person that likes you. Yes, she's a nice person. But she's just so.. I don't know. I just wish she would stop stealing everyone I like.. love.


Who cares though, right? I'm sure I'm just overracting like always. I'm sure I'm the same bitch as always too. Not like I haven't been trying....

I couldn't get to sleep last night. My mind just kept going over and over what Brodie said and how my mind took it.
Brodie - "I walk everyday with her!"
My mind - "I've been replaced."

Replaced, replaced, replaced.
Who'd blame her for replacing you? You're a fucking horrible person.


First day of work today. I wouldn't be surprised if I failed that. I've failed everything else in life.

I'm so fucking sick of that question!!!!
"what about Emilie? Don't you still love her? Are you replacing her?"

I AM NOT FUCKING REPLACING HER!! Fuck yes I love her, nothing in the fucking universe can change that. What about her? Well lets see, our friendship is dying because of me and she hardly seems interested in talking to me other than last night when she invited me to do something with TWO OTHER girls.

Vicky is just to help me move the fuck on because I am fucking tired of being so fucking obsessed.

PLEASE STOP ASKING THAT FUCKING QUESTION ALREADY, okay?

I love Emilie more than I will ever love someone in my whole life. No one can change that fact, not even Vicky or some other hot girl or guy or nice girl or guy. Even if someone comes along that I love and loves me back, I will never love them as much as I love her. But I can't express that to anyone because no one on this goddamn planet seems to understand what kind of love I have for her.

I so fucking frustrated with everyone. I've had more thoughts about suicide this past week then in my lifetime.