Nothing new really, it was just a fight. My mom and I fight all the time. So why does this one feel different? She's never hurt my feelings so much before just by the words she chooses to speak. So why did these words hurt more?
"Look at you! You aren't anything special! Why do you think you have no friends?! Why do you think no one cares about you in this fucking world?!"
They were just words. They've been told to me so many different ways and I truly don't think that's the part that hurt me... I think it was what came afterwards.
"See?! Even the person you love the most doesn't want to be around you because you're a bitch, you're a horrible person. She hates you because of all that, she was thinking of ending your friendship because she doesn't care about you... she cares about them you stupid child! Look at you! You're here miserable and ready to die because of this one person that doesn't love, that will never love you! Open your eyes child! She. Doesn't. Care. About. You. She's replaced you. Forget about her and kill yourself already. You'd be doing everyone a favor."
Is it true? My mom doesn't know everything about me.. she can't be right, can she? It's not that I don't know I'm a horrible person, I know that. But... I always thought everything was just a feeling, my mind overracting to every little move she does because she's the only person I love, the only person that has ever loved me - even if it is just as a friend.
Have I truly ruined all that? Has it come to the point where I truly no one cares about me or loves me as a friend or more? How can I fuck up that much?
I need someone I trust to tell me different.. to tell me the truth.. to tell me if my mother is right.
4 comments:
Are you serious?! Picture your mom saying those words into a mirror...Are you getting it now? I'm not a psychologist, but I believe she is projecting her own self-hatred onto you.
Barb
Now that I've read more of your blog and realize that you are a young woman/girl, I have to tell you please do not give another thought to your mom's hateful words. Honestly, she has emotional problems. I suspect her own parents didn't treasure her the way you deserve to be treasured. It has to be hard living with all that negativity. You are being emotionally abused. Maybe she doesn't realize it, and if she could hear herself, I'm sure she would be horrified. You are a treasure. Believe it, even if you don't hear it at home.
First off, my mom has AMAZING parents. I love my grandma and grandpa and I know that she was treated just fine. To be honest I think my mom just really hates bisexual/lesbians and hates how her life is (with my dad and all and now me being bisexual) so I guess you could say she has emotional problems... but doesn't everyone?
Uh...no. Everyone does not have emotional problems. Problems? Yes. Emotions? Yes. Maybe her parents aren't the cause of her hatred for bisexuals, but a mother who says such hateful things to her daughter has some issues. and by the way, my own father was a horribly abusive man (physically nd verbally) when I was growing up. To his grandchildren, however, he was a lamb; very sweet and loving. Go figure. People mellow over time, I guess. Regardless, you don't deserve such hatred. Your mom needs counseling to help her come to terms with your sexuality. She cannot hate it out of you.
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