I've decided something... somewhat of a goal I guess. It's been two years now and I'm gonna give it one more year. If I'm not over this I'm gonna make it end myself. I know I've been talking like that ever since it started but I mean now I'm older, wiser, right? And I mean, next year I'll be sixteen and a lot can happen in a year, right? For all we know (as much as I doubt it) I could be over her by this time next year.
But if I'm not, I'm done with it all, for real this time. I know suicide is the stupidest thing in this world, and probably not a smart thing but you try being heart broken for 2 years so far with no sign of it ending in the future to come. Also, add on to that the person you love is the person that'll never love you - the person you'll never get a chance with.
It's sad to think that if I was born a guy all this wouldn't be happening.
39 comments:
A goal? Suicide is a goal? Or maybe you mean getting over me is the goal. I don't really have much to say. I guess disappointment would be one emotion of mine. But what do I know, right..? I guess I'm pretty well off, not ever really having to deal with anything...
And being "wiser" doesn't have anything to do with it. Sure, maybe it'll help you justify your reason for suicide to yourself, but I mean.. I don't know, I don't expect you to think of it the way I do.
And sorry if any of that sounded mean, I didn't intend it to be like that.
And lastly, you think if you were a guy things would be different? Well, for one we probably wouldn't be friends. But, I don't fall for every guy I mean. Quite the contrary actually. If you haven't noticed, most guys our age are jerks. That is all. Sorry for poking my nose where it might not belong.
First comment - yes, getting over you would be the goal part of that.
Second comment - yes, the "wiser" part was suppose to mean me being "wiser" has helped me justify my reasons for suicide. But maybe I'm just as stupid as I was two years ago
Third comment - none of it sounded mean
Fourth comment - if I was a hot guy, you would at least say you something to Meagan or something like "omg I saw this hot guy that worked at HMV today. He was cool" and that's more than I'm getting now. No, you don't fall for every guy, but you do fall for most of the guys that are hot. Yes, I have noticed that most of the guys our age are jerks but I like to think that if I was a guy I wouldn't be a jerk. Don't be sorry, it's more your place to poke your nose than anyone elses.
Sorry. I forgot some stuff for the first comment.
I figured disappointment would be one emotion you had, probably mad at me too, with your views on the subject of suicide it would seem reasonable.
Yes, you are pretty off than me.
No, you don't really have nothing to deal with. You do. You just know how to handle it better than I do. One of the reasons I love you, you think of things perfectly all the time. I, however, do not. Probably one of the reasons you don't love me - which is reasonable.
I'd like to clarify that I do not fall for all the hot guys. I think they're hot, but that's much different than falling in love with them. And I'm sorry. Would I fix that by going around telling people that I think you're hot and you're cool?
No, that's not the reason I don't love you. Then again, I don't really love anyone right now. One, I find it hard to justify my feelings. But I do wish with all my heart, all the time, for you to be happy. If you were more happy with life, maybe we'd be better friends and such. Well, this probably comes off sounding stupid. But I dunno, there's some things I'd change about you. No offense meant at all. Not in bad ways either, I guess I'd just make you more confident and stuff. I dunno.
And also, I just feel that suicide is opting for the easy way out. You don't have to deal with all the aftermath, while everyone around you does. Your parents have to deal with it, though you probably dont' care about that. I have to deal with it. Most importantly, people have to deal with living, knowing that their friend died and they couldn't do anything to stop it. How would that feel to you? How would you like to feel like you were the reason someone killed themselves? I guess that's somewhat of my point. I'll have you know I was thinking about this last night.
Referring to one of your earlier points, love doesn't always have reasons. I mean, if there was a reason for why I loved someone else, it would probably be hard to find. You don't love someone because you just don't. It's like trying to explain why you feel a certain way. It just doesn't work.
I guess I just wish that sometimes we could take a break from heartbreak or whatever you call it and just be normal friends. But I guess people can't turn off their feelings.
Sorry. I didn't mean fall in love with every guy. I just meant that you have the thought about going out with them, or something like that. And saying I'm hot and I'm cool wouldn't mean anything unless you meant it.
I wasn't saying that was THE reason you don't love me, just MAYBE one of them. You saying that makes me happy (the wishing I was happy) it truly does, and I do believe it, I do know you care and things matter to you. And I'm just sorry that there isn't one thing I can do to make myself happy, trust me I've tried. I've tried so hard to be happy, I really have, mostly just to make you happy and make us better friends. But as much as I try there's only one thing that's gonna make me happy.
Make me more confident? I am confident, in myself at least.
Oh trust me, I wish I could stop being heart broken and just be your friend. That's the part I hate most about all this crap, it truly is. I just want to be your friend but I can't friggin seem to do that, and I'm so sorry for that.
Yes, suicide is the easy way out. And believe it or not, I talked to my parents about it the other night and they said they wouldn't care. The only thing they care about is buying for the funeral and burying me and shit like that. The only thing keeping me from commiting suicide is the fact that I know it would hurt you, that I know you would feel horrible about how you think it's just your fault (which it isn't). But just like your reason for saying no to going out with me, I have to think about myself too and how much more I can take of this empty, hurt feeling.
No, you can't have reasons for loving someone. But you can have reasons for NOT loving someone.
Oh, also, the only people would care about my death is you and my brother. That's the only reason why I feel a little bit okay about commiting suicide
Okay, in that case, I don't love you because I don't feel that you're the right person for me.
Having a brother and a good friend doesn't make it seem a little better to me, but I guess that's your interpretation, not mine.
And you again.. telling me how I feel. You KNOW that I'd go out with every hot guy I see? ...alright.
I didn't say you would. I said that you may just have the thought about, doesn't mean you would.
your third comment - did you remove that?
I don't feel like having a brother and a good friend makes suicide okay. I feel that the fact that there's only two peoples lives that would hurt from it, that it's okay. But at the same time I don't feel it's okay. It's just... being selfish here, suicide would make ME happy, seeing how the only thing in the world that can make me happy is having you.
I wish this could be easier.
Exactly, suicide is the selfish way out. Okay, but think of it this way: You say that since there's only two lives affected, it seems more okay? What if both of us die. That's still only two lives. Does that still make death okay?
And yes, there was a typo in the comment, so I redid it.
And, would me sitting back and let all you do this make it easier?
I meant I wish us being friends, me loving you, could be easier. Not the suicide part of any of it.
And my brother and you dying is different. That would A - affect a lot more people and B - that would be TWO people died that I care about
Us being friends is easy, it's the love that's complicating it.
dead*
yes. point being?
It's still death. Maybe it means more to some than it may to others, but it's still death. And if you're willing to kill yourself and it doesn't really matter that you're hurting someone else in the process.. well, then I guess that's your problem. No offense or anything. I guess I just can't really make sense of it.
Nothing, you just said you wished it could be easy. One of those two things can be, but it's not.
That's why this is a hard decsion. This is why I've gone two years without doing it. I don't want to hurt you.
But also, like I've been saying, it would make me happy, as selfish as it is. Also though, and I know this isn't the same thing, me not commiting suicide is making you happy and me not - going out with you would make me happy and you not. You don't understand the whole suicide thing for me - I don't understand the big deal about going out with me as you say you love me.
Suicide is easier.
You wouldn't be happy, you'd be dead. You wouldn't feel a fucking thing. Yeah, suicide is easier. I guess what I don't understand how you can throw away a lifetime for one thing. It's a waste. I really mean that. I say 'I love you' to most of my friends. Do you take it the wrong way? Should I stop saying it to you?
If you love me enough as a friend I don't see why it's a problem. But I don't expect you to understand that.
If I love you as a friend you don't see why I can't go out with you? Is that what you mean?
yes
At the least, I can't see why you can't give me a chance.
That's like me saying if I love Meagan as a friend, why shouldn't I go out with her?
I don't feel the same way about you as you do about me. There's not much more I can say about that. That's like me, once again, saying something like why don't you go out with Kabriel if she wanted to go out with you (imaginary situation). But then again, maybe you would give her a chance anyway. Guess that's what makes us different then.
You were the one that said I deserve a chance, not me. I said I didn't. But because you said that don't you think you should at least give me the chance? Doesn't everyone deserve at least the chance, even if it's for a couple weeks?
And yeah, maybe it wouldn't change anything but we don't know that, do we?
I just want the chance to show you that I could be what you look for in a partner because.. I believe I could do that. I just want to make you happy but I guess asking for a chance isn't going to do that, is it?
I realize that I said that because it's true. But I don't feel the same way about you. I know it's mean of me to say, but I need you to understand that, and it's the truth. I don't really have to go out with you. I don't see myself with you. And you can complain that other people get chances... but I see you as a friend. And I know it's unfair, but I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not going to lie to you and let you take things the wrong way.
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