I owe this whole week an apoglize (don't laugh, i know I don't know how to spell). I realized that me asking questions about her caring or something mattering to her isn't going to help her care or something matter more, if anything it'll make her care less and things matter less. Also I've realized that she does make efforts to show she cares. If she didn't care I doubt she would ever of called me (called my cell lmao which I don't have) today or talked to me yesterday or let me stay at her house if it so happened that my mom hadn't showed up on wednesday. I think I never really realized the efforts she puts into our friendship but I sure notice them now. I may get jealous or sad at times or even mad get mad at her and I think that's when I start to ask questions, get paranoid. Now, seriously, I promise to try my very best to stop gettign so paranoid and asking questions. I just want our fighting to stop, I want to have a friendship with no fighting. And I know I don't have any chance of her ever letting me go out with her and I think I don't deserve a chance either, but if I do have even the very littlest chance I know I'm not helping it by getting paranoid and fighting with and basically ruining our friendship.

So there, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

This is so unfair. Why did my week have to get so fucked up like this? All I wanted was to see her at least three times. Once when I got here (which I got), once in the middle (which I didn't get) and once before I leave (which I could get but I highly doubt it). The sad part is that no matter how much I believe I won't get to see her before I go, I still have this undying hope that I will, that everything will be just perfect, that she'll call me and tell me that she wants to see me, that she wants to take pictures with me or something. And this undying hope is what makes everything that much horrible when it doesn't happen. I'd gladly give up this job if I could right now. I rather be with her and the fact that next week no one will be here for her makes me want to be here that much more, mostly because it'll me I'll have a better chance of hanging out with her more.

It isn't that I don't know or believe that she cares, I do know and believe that she does, it's the fact that maybe it isn't enough. Which is stupid because it's way better than having her not care at all and I feel so stupid for wanting more. Truly, the thing I want more than to go out with her is to stop fighting with her and if it was that easy I'd be somewhat happy, happier than I've been in awhile at least. After that sleepover when I got here and our fight over her making plans well I'm there just after complaining about how I'm not there for a month, I promised myself that I would do my personal best to stop fighting with her because I wanted this week to go over well. And you know you could say I did horrible but I didn't. After that fight she made plans with other people and I didn't get mad at that, than she made more plans with other people and I didn't get mad, than finally she made plans with me but I got grounded and than she made plans with someone else for that night - it was like she didn't care if she was hanging out with me just as long as she had someone to hang out with - than she made plans with her mom. Truly, I do understand her making plans with her, they haven't hung out in awhile I'm sure. The last time I heard they hung out was the Killer concert. So it wasn't that that I didn't understand, it was the fact that she had no one around next week but obviously her mom was. Now I found out that her dad comes home Thursday that week so why can't they hang out before he comes back? Maybe I'm just being selfish though because I just wanted to have one last sleepover with her before I go but it still doesn't make sense to me why she couldn't plan something with her mom the next week, or the day after I see her. Either way it obviously isn't important to her like it is to me.

The other thing that really gets me is how caring she was when I suggested what if I wasn't here anymore and than the second she finds out that I actually may be moving she doesn't seem to care at all. Sure, I wouldn't be moving till next year (that's actually a semi lie, my mom kinda wants to move before school starts up again so that means today would be the last day I could actually spend time with her. But there's a slim chance of that because it would take a long time to pack - although my mom says we could just leave and get the stuff later, she's sick of my dad). Anyways, it just seemed a little odd how she would care when it's a suggestion that doesn't seem likely to happen and hardly care at all when it's reality.

I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm really not, I don't think I'd love someone that was a bad person. I do truly believe it's all my fault. I need her more than she needs me (wait, sorry, she doesn't need me at all, she just likes having me around - if that's still true) and I think my need for her has over taken everything I do. I constantly compare myself with her, I always have to have her showing that she truly cares and loves me, and my thoughts aren't anything else but her. No matter what I do I can't get her out of my head and to be honest it's driving me crazy. She isn't a bad person, but she does give mix signals, ask anyone that's liked her. I hate how much she's taken over my life, how much I need her - to be honest, I hate that I love her. That may sound mean and I really don't like saying it but to be honest, it's true. I can't stand that I love her, I wish we could just be friends - I don't even know if we are still that.

I just wish she would call me before I go.

Funny, I knew I was gonna screw all this up, I knew she was never gonna call in the end of things. Sure, the day isn't over but at 2pm I pretty much get the general idea of what the rest of my day is gonna be like: sitting here feeling horrible that I'm not gonna get to see her.
Whatever, why should I care, right? It isn't important to her enough to actually see me before I go.

I'm always the one to say something first.
I love you.
I miss you.

I don't think I've once heard someone say it to me first. Makes me feel kinda.. lonely.




I love my grandma.
In the mail today I got two checks. One for 50 dollars from my grandma and grandpa for good grades and being on the honor role each term this year and the second was my pay check for 582.42 dollars =] yay! and I'll only be getting more at the end of the summer. MUCH more!

I don't know where to start. This day has been one, big, long trouble day. First it started with me being scared that I wouldn't get to spend time with her today because I thought she was going to not want to do something. Then my family and I just got into this big huge fight. For once, I actually fought back, I just never thought it would be with my dad so much as it was. My dad just kept mouthing off to me and I just got sick of it and pushed him away from me (he cornered me) then I just remember being slapped and yelling fuck you at the top of my lungs. Then my mom came up and told me to get dressed and go to my brace appointment. I was just so pissed off though I didn't want to go so I just yelled at her and told her that this was a horrible envoirment for someone to grow up in. Then she took my computer, then she hit me and told me that if I left the house I wasn't welcomed back. So I left because I just needed to get out soooo badly, I didn't want to be hit or yelled at anymore. So my mom watched me as I left and knew I was heading to her house. Well a couple minutes after being at her house my mom showed up and took me away. As soon as we got in the car I yelled at her that if she was going to kick me out to at least actually mean it. And then she asked me what this thing with Emilie was and all I said was that we were friends. Then she yelled at me about some things and I just kept crying telling her to take me back to her house so I could just relax and be alone with someone that actually did care about me. Then she got all pissed off and told me she was going to call emilie's parents and I just totally blew it and asked her why she would do that and she told me that she would just love to ruin my friendship with her and then she pulled over the car and started yelling at me some more and hit me one more time and told me to get my act together and get over this "phase" of being bisexual. After that I just sat and cried well she drove around yelling at me. I tuned her out after about a couple more minutes of her yelling and then we got home and the second I got in the door I called her because first I was embrassed about my mom just coming there and picking me up when she had just thrown me out and second because I wanted to talk to her... hearing her voice made me somewhat comfortable. After that I just kind of lied there and everytime someone came into my room and I just irgonred them.

Then I got my computer backed and called her to tell her I could now do something and because I wanted to get out of my house before something more happened. Her mom answered and told me she wasn't there. Then about a half an hour after that my parents were fighting and suddenly my dad ran into my room and yelled at me saying something was my fault that I'm ungrateful about everything he's worked for me to have. I left to walk my dog because I didn't want anything more to happen. Then when I came home my dad was gone and my mom started talking about moving away and whole bunch of other crap and now I'm just confused.

I wish her mom hadn't told me she wasn't there... I wish she was there. I need her.

I don't know what to say. I hate the bastard and yet I'm helping him get her. That asshole doesn't even deserve her. Sometimes I want to be so selfish and just say forget about him and move on, but her happiness is more important to me than anything.

Teenage Years

Smiles, tears, superficial fears, all are part of teenage years.
First dates, first cars, having crushes on football stars.
First jobs, first kisses, one too many hits and misses.
The best years of growing up, with great achievments and screwing up.
Goods girls, bad boys, finally throwing out old toys.
Sneaking out, getting caught, remembering all the fights we've fought.
Boyfriends, girlfriends, hoping their love never ends.
Heart-breaks, making out, just to hear parents shout.
Drugs, pot and beer, all parts of the teenage years.
High school, college, then it all ends, it's time to change again.
But we'll remember the times when we won, we lost, when we cried.
We'll always have memories of our fights and fears,
And all the good times spent in the teenage years.


-My uncle wrote it for me when I turned 13-