Why do I keep waiting for it? She'll never say anything like those things I say to her... well at least she never has. I mean, yeah, she's said some really sweet things before and they DO make me happy and I DO remember them. It's just... there's other things I'd wish she'd say to me but at the same time maybe she doesn't think I'm like that. Sometimes I just wish I was like her.. ha, I can just hear her saying "why wish that when you never will be, you're yourself" or something like that. I don't know.. just... you know when you tell someone something for the first time, something you've never tried to tell anyone else and it's like so important to you that you just want to share it with the right person... kay, well the feeling when you tell this person this thing and they don't get it and even if you just knew they wouldn't get it you still thought they'd say something.. anything, that would make it seem okay, make it seem right, normal? Not that the thing I told her wasn't normal but the way I feel about it just isn't normal.

Also, I think it was our last sleepover or something, we were mad at each other and she suddenly got sad and said something about how all our fighting and stuff is so stupid because life is just too short for it. And you know, I really wanted to tell her you know, everything's going to be okay, we'll stop fighting, I understand what you mean. But to tell you the honest truth, I don't understand. I truly do not think that our time on Earth is that short. There's animals out there that can live for a day when we can live for like what, I think 80 years is the average now. That's a shit load of time if you ask me. I'm only 15, unhappy to the point of breaking done and just dying already to get it over with and I still got what another 65 years left? I mean even for people that aren't like me, that are my age and enjoy life like her. Wait till your 80 like my grandpa, he complains every single day about how he just wishes God would give up on him and let him die already. Everytime I think about my grandpa ranting on about how he just wants to die already it kinda makes me smile.. that may sound wrong but it just feels like my grandpa is the only one that REALLY understands how I feel, how I just want everything to end because I'm sick and tired of shit happening to me. The most sad thing about this all is that all the shit that happens to me wouldn't matter to me if someone just loved me. Sure, I have my brother and her but they love me as family and friend. I need someone that loves me like I love her.
Another thing that bugs me is when she says how she also wishes she had someone that loved her... she doesn't have to wish, she has me.
And I know she wouldn't take it like that. She wants a guy that loves her just as much or more than I do that she loves back. See, for me I don't want that, I need that - it doesn't have to be a guy, it can be a girl - and I don't have to love the person back because anyone that loves me I just love back more than anything because if I lose that person that loves me... I will litterally not be able to live.
-I just wish she could understand that and how much it means to me-

Pot Smokers

I hate the smell of pot.
I hate the look of pot.
I hate the taste of the pot.
I hate how it makes me feel no different.
I hate how it makes me sleepy.
I'm not addicted.
I've done it about 3 - 5 times.
I've mostly only ever done it with my brother.
I hate how each time the same comment comes out of my brothers smokey mouth,
"Welcome to the family."


Why am I the only one that doesn't smoke pot in my family?

Story, title found when I finished it - "Circle Lasts Forever"

By the time we had brushed our teeth and hair, showered, and dressed, it was about 9:30AM when we began to put on our make-up.
Carson whined, "damn you, woman take too long to get ready."
"Sorry," Avril said finishing putting on her eyeliner and coming to sit beside him, "we woman like to look good for our men... or other men, ones that appericate how long we take to look good for them."
I smiled, sitting beside Avril on the couch. Victor moved and sat beside me, smiling.
"I appericaet how long you woman take" Victor said, smiling perfect white teeth at all of us.
"Why can't you be more like him, Carson?" Avril whined.
"Jesus, both of you whine too much" I said, whining myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've decided to stop typing this story out. Yes, I've finished out in writing on paper. See, I started this story as a gift for my friend... someone that's been there for me. I can't express how much she's meant to me since we became friends... I mean, she's the greatest person I've known. I love her, litterally... and she's taken that so well and I'm really lucky to of fallen inlove with someone so kind. In the story it's suppose to be written in her point of view of our friendship and everything (to show her that I know her better than most because I, myself, find that very comforting in a friend) and she fell inlove with a guy that found another girl (just like Angela) and I thought it would be nice to give her a story where her problem is put into it and than I wanted to put me in there too because the whole story is suppose to be about friendship (which you would get more if you read the whole thing haha...) so anyways... the part where the friendship really comes in I haven't typed out but the one person that's read it said it was really touching and stuff so I took that as a compilment and than they asked if it was about a friendship I had with someone and I said "yeah, she's amazing." And that's true, she really is. But lately our friendship has been on the rocky side (this story was to make up for the stupid idiotic things I've said, which it probably won't)
Anyways, I don't know if this friendship will last so I've decided to never show this story to anyone else because it's about my friend and I's friend lasting forever (like a circle, hint the title, cheesy no?) so anyways... since it looks like it's not I'm keeping the story to myself till I figure out if our friendship is going to last or not, and even then she'll be the only one to read it because I think I really poured out everything personal I know about her and me and stuff so it's really not a story for the world.

It's funny how I can tell almost excatly how our conversations going to go the second I say hi. Of course, near the end, like now, I never know what's going to happen but I can tell that she's probably not going to talk to me. I wonder if I ask if she'll actually answer this time.

I'm trying my best to not bitch about a whole bunch of things to her... the only thing keeping me from doing that is playing games on my DS well talking to her. Sad, no?


Need to buy more games.

I'm going crazy over here... I need to talk to her. The sad thing is that I'm sure she hardly even thinks about this at all. But I could be wrong right?

I feel so pathetic... she's my everything and I just don't know what to do with myself till I hear from her again...

I hate this.

My brother says that I just need to let it go. Forget about everything and just move on. For someone that's been this inlove with someone too, he sure doesn't know how hard that really is. Also... a part of me really doesn't want to believe that this is the end of our friendship... I mean, it was just a stupid fight like all the others, right? She said she cared at the end... that has to count for something.

I ruined it... and she probably won't even say anything afterwards. Although, it was the closet she's ever come to saying sorry... though that doesn't really matter. I just want her to tell me everything will be okay and that we're still friends.


Whatever, I think I've lost all things and now my life is just sleeping and waiting for her to call or text or something, just... start a conversation with me.