When I'm having a bad day I go to her, hoping she can cheer me up. No such luck
If she isn't on tonight I'm scared I won't talk to her till I come back
Friday, July 6, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
I wish I could get it out of my head. I wish that summer would end, not because I hate being bored, but because I hate the memories it holds. I wish my mind would stop flashing back to the times we've had.
I am comfortable with our friendship right now, really I am, I wouldn't change it for the world and I'm trying to stop being paranoid just so I don't ruin anything. I know it's better to have you here, have you with me, and I feel so selfish for wanting more when I already have so much. I have a great friendship with her and she's here with me but I still want us to be together. I feel so slefish for wanting more, I shouldn't want more.
Maybe this summer isn't better than last summer, but it isn't worse either, I don't know what it is. If anything I would just like the flash backs to stop, the reminder of how things use to be... of what has happen.. the good and the bad.
I'm sorry, so very sorry.
I am comfortable with our friendship right now, really I am, I wouldn't change it for the world and I'm trying to stop being paranoid just so I don't ruin anything. I know it's better to have you here, have you with me, and I feel so selfish for wanting more when I already have so much. I have a great friendship with her and she's here with me but I still want us to be together. I feel so slefish for wanting more, I shouldn't want more.
Maybe this summer isn't better than last summer, but it isn't worse either, I don't know what it is. If anything I would just like the flash backs to stop, the reminder of how things use to be... of what has happen.. the good and the bad.
I'm sorry, so very sorry.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Happy Birthday Me!
Yay... 15...
I'm actually doing nothing today... zip... nothin'... zero. I wish I was but you know... none of my friends either a. know it's my birthday, b. aren't online and probably won't call me or c. know it's my birthday, were online, but probably won't be online till way into the night when we won't do anything anyways... I'm just guessing.
I guess the thing that's really bugging me is I didn't know she promised she would do something for my birthday before she told me and then I was kinda holding on that for something to do today... also, because that's really the only person I want to be spending my time today. And what hurts even more is that I haven't talked to her in two days, that hurts, and than I finally talk to her, on my birthday, and she totally just goes right offline after saying happy birthday to me (although it really wasn't her fault because her dad was kicking her off). I guess I deserve it though... I hardly even said happy birthday to her face this year... but we were in a fight, I didn't think she even wanted to talk to me. I don't know... it just really hurts, the only person besides her that I want to do something with today is my brother and he's going out... therefore, I'm going to be sitting at home playing sims 2 on my birthday like I will be for the rest of my lonely days of my life.
Also, I've decided to take that job because there's more money than I thought there was involed ($300 a week!) and I leave tomorrow and won't be back till the weekend but then I only have till Sunday before I have to go back again and stuff so I mean... I won't be talking to her at all basically... it's like taking my freedom of the summer... maybe I will only do the first 2 weeks like my brother suggested, that way it isn't the whole summer. Although, either way I'm still leaving tomorrow and the only thing that's gonna cheer me up right now is a hug from her...
I'm actually doing nothing today... zip... nothin'... zero. I wish I was but you know... none of my friends either a. know it's my birthday, b. aren't online and probably won't call me or c. know it's my birthday, were online, but probably won't be online till way into the night when we won't do anything anyways... I'm just guessing.
I guess the thing that's really bugging me is I didn't know she promised she would do something for my birthday before she told me and then I was kinda holding on that for something to do today... also, because that's really the only person I want to be spending my time today. And what hurts even more is that I haven't talked to her in two days, that hurts, and than I finally talk to her, on my birthday, and she totally just goes right offline after saying happy birthday to me (although it really wasn't her fault because her dad was kicking her off). I guess I deserve it though... I hardly even said happy birthday to her face this year... but we were in a fight, I didn't think she even wanted to talk to me. I don't know... it just really hurts, the only person besides her that I want to do something with today is my brother and he's going out... therefore, I'm going to be sitting at home playing sims 2 on my birthday like I will be for the rest of my lonely days of my life.
Also, I've decided to take that job because there's more money than I thought there was involed ($300 a week!) and I leave tomorrow and won't be back till the weekend but then I only have till Sunday before I have to go back again and stuff so I mean... I won't be talking to her at all basically... it's like taking my freedom of the summer... maybe I will only do the first 2 weeks like my brother suggested, that way it isn't the whole summer. Although, either way I'm still leaving tomorrow and the only thing that's gonna cheer me up right now is a hug from her...
Sunday, July 1, 2007
I'm too tired to even think let alone go get a computer. I shouldn't even be getting it, it feels wrong. Also, everything that's on this computer hasn't been backed up yet so where the fuck is the new computer gonna go?
Yesterday was fucking amazing. I actually got over my paranoid thoughts about roller coaster all because she tricked me. I realized how trusting I am now. I can meet a new person and as soon as I figure they aren't an asshole, I can trust them. I should really stop that, stop trusting every person that comes into my life.
Tomorrow... for some reason I don't want tomorrow to come... I don't want to turn 15. I wanna go back to the old times where the only thing I worried about was if my little pink dress would get ruined some how during the day. If I turn 15 it'll just mean that this time next year I'll be 16, nothing more and nothing less. So why does it feel so bad? I'm trying to tell myself it's because I don't want to be 16 next summer, I don't want to move on, I don't want to see my future.
To be honest, the only thing I do want right now, and know it's possible, is for you to be happy. With him, with me, with your family, with school, with anything you do... I want you to be happy. I don't know why I want this, other than the fact that I love you, but other than that I can't think of a reason why all my thoughts always stop and I start to think how happy I'd be if you were happy. I really think that's the only thing pushing me on to see what tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that brings me. All my suicidal thoughts are cut off with the thought that I want to see you happy everyday from this day forward.
The other thing I'd like, which I feel so selfish for wanting, is to be with you and watch you throughout your life as a friend. I think that would make me happy too, just being there.
Yesterday was fucking amazing. I actually got over my paranoid thoughts about roller coaster all because she tricked me. I realized how trusting I am now. I can meet a new person and as soon as I figure they aren't an asshole, I can trust them. I should really stop that, stop trusting every person that comes into my life.
Tomorrow... for some reason I don't want tomorrow to come... I don't want to turn 15. I wanna go back to the old times where the only thing I worried about was if my little pink dress would get ruined some how during the day. If I turn 15 it'll just mean that this time next year I'll be 16, nothing more and nothing less. So why does it feel so bad? I'm trying to tell myself it's because I don't want to be 16 next summer, I don't want to move on, I don't want to see my future.
To be honest, the only thing I do want right now, and know it's possible, is for you to be happy. With him, with me, with your family, with school, with anything you do... I want you to be happy. I don't know why I want this, other than the fact that I love you, but other than that I can't think of a reason why all my thoughts always stop and I start to think how happy I'd be if you were happy. I really think that's the only thing pushing me on to see what tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that brings me. All my suicidal thoughts are cut off with the thought that I want to see you happy everyday from this day forward.
The other thing I'd like, which I feel so selfish for wanting, is to be with you and watch you throughout your life as a friend. I think that would make me happy too, just being there.
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