So I've got a number of things on my mind right now.

Thought #1:
Why is it that as soon as I'm about to fall asleep my mom comes banging on my bedroom door with her loud annoying voice saying things I really don't care about. Then, why is it that when she sees I'm sleeping and not on my computer she has to yell "Sleeping again!" and then yell that I'm a bitch and a number of other things I rather forget. Then she has to go on and on complaining about things I'll never care about because I don't care about her. Then, when I've had a enough, I just quietly say "bye mother." and she has to go all "Ugh! Fine!" and slam my bedroom door.
Someone, please, tell me why I'm stuck with the bitch of the mother that won't stop complaining and hates gays?

Thought #2:
Why is it that my heart must break everyday? Even when I'm happy.

Thought #3:
"There's always one person out there that loves you more than anyone else."
Lets say this common quote is true. What if there really is someone for everyone that loves them more than anyone could ever dream of? What if that one person is someone you don't love. Lets say that we are all made to love one person more than we ever thought was possible. What happens when that one person doesn't love you back in the same way and was meant to love someone else? Is that the trangle I'm in right now then? And if so, will she get hurt if that guy that she loves doesn't love her the way I do, the way she loves him, because I'm suppose to be the one that loves her more than anyone could dream of? I'm not saying he doesn't love her, I'm sure he does. What I'm saying is what if we are all made to love one person more than any other person we love and that one person loves someone else the same way you love them? If that is true, does that mean that we are all going to get hurt? We are all going to die alone? Die without the one we love the most? All because they loved someone else the way you love them? If this is true, I can't help but wonder, did God screw up our love life?

Thought #4 (goes along with thought 3):
So saying that all is true, does that mean I'll never love someone as much as I love her? And it's not that that I'm worried about, it's her. What if she gets hurt? That's the last thing I'd want. I mean sure, sometimes I get pissed off at her, and dare I say it, sometimes I even feel like there's a little bit of hate there. Although, I don't think it's hate for her, more hate for what she has. She's got the perfect life, the life I want. Great friends that are there for her no matter what, a loving family, great grades (I mean, she is the smartest person I know), and someone that loves her to death (even if he isn't here right now). Why can't I have that? I do believe I don't deserve that at all, but I mean why? Sure, I'm a huge bitch at times, but so is she (less times than me though). I guess I really don't deserve and that's why I'm stuck with the crappy family, the crappy grades, and someone that will never love me no matter how much I love them.

Thought #5:
I want to go, I do. I'd die being here well she's there (and that's not sarcasm, I really would). I wouldn't be able to just sit here well she's half way across the world doing God knows what.

Thought #6:
I really don't know if I should take that job. I want to, I know I'll need the money later, I just can't be away from her that long. Again, I'd die being even just an hour away from her.

Thought #7:
My birthday = Monday. Is it alright that I feel like a little 5 year old girl, so excited for her birthday? I mean I'm not even doing anything for my birthday. Hell, I'm hardly even getting anything on my birthday (I can't say I'm not getting anything because even though my mom hates me, she hates sims 2 on her computer more, therefore I get a computer haha). I can't help but lose that excitness for sadness. I mean, hell, I'm not doing anything on my birthday but sit home and be fat and watch sex and the city season 4 well eating vegan chocolate cake. Yep, those are my plans for my birthday, nothing after, (other than maybe a job) and nothing before. Although, I am hanging out with kabriel tomorrow, not for my birhtday though. and getting my computer on sunday and hanging out with megan. but only the computer thing is for my birthday. Sure, turning 15 is no big deal... but I mean... I still want to spend it with someone. Staying home and being fat just makes me think of my future of being alone and that just makes me think all the more suicidal thoughts haha.
Ah well I guess...

Thought #8:
I should really stop thinking so much.

I want to talk to her. I need to talk to her right now.
And why the fuck does this make me feel so fucking gulity?!
I need you to live.

It's just the fact that I trust people too easily. It's the fact that I put my hopes up so high that they're always let down.

It's the fact that no matter what,
my heart's always going to break.

FUCKING AMAZING!
Got to see Mae (not that I really listen to them that much but I'm sure going to start listening to them more). Also, we got to meet them and that's another autograph ticket to put on my wall =]

Ok Go was good too. He was pretty funny, I really liked their personality... their vibe.

And of course, who could forget, the fucking amazing The Fray!
God, they were SO good! Fuck, I love them. New obsession definately. I even cried during one of the songs I'm such a loser.

Then spending time with her was definately the best part. I really wish I could of stayed over but I guess there's always other nights. On the flip side (the good part) I did have lots of fun and a much wanted hug was there =] which of course made me happy like they always do.

Sometimes it scares me how much I truly love her.

2 weeks, 3 days.
Lost 5.
Am 106.
Need 10 more.
Maybe more..

This bugs me, it really does...
All I want to do is ask question after question when I know I shouldn't so I'm trying to stop that.

Also, my head has been fucking spinning since my mom and I's fight last night. Then later in the night I was watching tv and just randomly felt really sick and threw up. At first I thought it was because I haven't really been eating but that's a lie. Not last night but the night before all I did was eat, and yesterday I did eat something. So it wasn't that. Then all night I was just sooo sick and like couldn't stop crying.. all I wanted was someone to look after me but that wasn't gonna happen so I was up all night basically living in my small little bathroom. When I finally got to sleep I was HOPING to stay in bed all day but of course my mom has to come into my room with the three little screaming kids and ask me to babysit. Of course I said no and she friggin salmed the door in my face. Although I really don't care, I don't want to babysit right now. My head hurts like hell...

I just want a hug = [

I can't write this in my diary and I don't excatly want to write it on here either, but I need somewhere to write it where my mom won't read it.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of being hit and slapping. I'm tired of hating how I look, how I act, who I am. I'm tired of loving and never being loved in return. I'm tired of my brother being the only one that really cares and wants to help (yet he hardly seems to anymore). I need to. If I don't things are just going to go down hill more and more. I don't care about my future anymore. I'm so paranoid I'll end up alone that I can't held ever finding out, ever living to find out. That's what's scarying me, that's what's making me want to. I just need to find a way how... I don't have anywhere high enough, trust me, I've tried buildings, you can't get on the roof. Can someone that commited suicide come back from the death and explain to me how to get to the top of a building, please? It's really the only answer I can seem to find that'll make me happy lately... and that thought scares me.