Why was today so happy like? All I want to go is see all my really good friends and just laugh and hug them all tightly. I miss everything about home all of a sudden, and it's hardly even been a full week. Of course, there's my mom which I don't miss at all, but I definately miss my doggie and my brother and my daddy and even my brothers girlfriend. More importantly, I REALLY miss my bed!
Although, despite my happiness today there's still that sharp little pain in my chest telling me I have no reason to be happy, she doesn't love you, she's only a friend, and what happens when you lose that friendship, hmm? It's like my mind and body doesn't want me to be happy. I can't explain how much I hurt deep down. It's like I can smile, I can laugh, I can even trick myself into thinking I truly am happy, but in the end I feel horrible.
I also can't begin to describe how much I miss her even though it's only been a week. The only thing I think that hurts almost as much is the fact that she has plans when I get home so I don't even know if I'll see her at all this weekend because I have some feeling that my mom has plans for me. (my brother called me to tell me that my mom is bitching about how much she loves me not being there and he's worried she'll kick me out even during my weekend home... so if that happens that means I'll be out all Saturday and either fighting or just plain packing all Sunday before I come back here to downy ville)

Three days here and I've already had a date (if you can call it that) with a, very nice looking may I mention, guy living here. I don't excatly believe you can call it a date as he just randomly talked to me well he was at summer school and I was testing the alarms at that school. He very nicely asked me when I was getting off and asked to show me around the town. Of course, I've already seen around the town but said yes to him anyways haha. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time since I've been here. And let me tell you, the ice cream here is FUCKING AMAZING. It's to die for haha. Anyways this guy, named David by the way, asked how long I was staying here and asked for my phone number. when he asked for my phone number I decided I didn't like the idea, not the fact that he would have it, but the fact of how I would be waiting by the phone day in and day out. Therefore I told him that I would love to give it to him as long as he PROMISED to call. He said of course he would but just to make me feel better he would give me his too, so this way, if he doesn't call I can call him and tell him off (his words, not mine).

That's the only exciting thing that's happened around here lately in downy ville. But if you want to know more about the "date" ;], you're gonna have to either ask, or wait till I'm not so tired to write another blog. (hint hint Emilie, this is what I wanted to tell you before you went offline uni)

Over the last two days that I've been away from I've realized something. Not only am I super shy, but I really dislike a lot of things. I hate having my hair not straight or other peoples showers. I miss my bed dearly. I'm thankful to even be able to get on the internet. I'm deathly afraid of thunder storms and warnings that there's going to be a tornto... and I don't fully start being "myself" around people that I don't spend everyday with unless I spend 3 days with them, living with them, working with them, and having to talk to them or I won't get paid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm getting paid (and how much I'm getting paid) I think I'd be out of here as fast as I could be. It's not that I hate it here, I don't think I do, but I miss the simple things of home. Of course, I don't miss my parents (although that's no good because my cousin and her husband seem to fight just as much, but I think it's mostly Travis... I don't know whether I like him or not, he's nice but just a bit... edgey. To be totally honest, he scares me a little) but I do miss my bed, my friends, my brother, I even miss my house and I hate my house.

Other than those little things, I'm not excatly enjoying it, but I don't hate it, nor do I dislike it. It's not hard at all, there isn't really a word to describe it. I push some buttons, there's either a super annoying sound or I have to watch a light to figure out if the alarm went off, then I push some more buttons and stuff and then wait for the next signal and do all the button pushing over again. I do that from 8am to 4pm. We do at least two schools a day. Ugh, getting up at 7am on summer vacation is not my favourite thing in the world. I'm finding I get tired really easily because I'm use to sleeping in but I'll get use to it hopfully. I thought I was gonna get a lot more reading done but this is the first time I've sat down the whole time I've been here (other than mistakely staying up till 1.30am last night playing sims 2).

Because I have so much time to think during waiting for the next alarm, I've found myself thinking about the mistakes I've made in my life so far and how things could be. Not only that, I've been thinking about how my friendship with Emilie is something that I'm finally happy with, I think. Now that I've decided that I'm scared something's going to change and I keep getting paranoid, so much that I can't sleep sometimes.

(I still can't believe how much I've thought and done in just two days away from home)

The most worse thing seats in this house (my cousin's house). A scale. The thing that sucks the most is it's in the bathroom that I use the most. I feel so bad now too because I've become obsessed with weighing myself. I vow to never buy a scale when I have my own house. The funny thing is I'm not having a bad problem with how much I weigh (98 pounds... I'm not proud of it) but I'm having a problem with what I look like. I seriously do not look like 98 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I weighed myself, I was guessing 120 at the least. No matter, since my mother thinks I have an eating disorder I'm on 3 meals a day, if I don't, no money. I don't even see why she cares, I'll be out of her life soon anyways. It's not so much that I care what people think about what I look like, I've realized that a lot, I care more what people think of my personality. It's the fact that I care what I look like... and, like cutting, it's something I can control, as stupid as that is.

*sighs* hmm what else has happened... I fell in a puddle and majorly hurt my ass. Umm, my sim child got taken by a social worker because she froze... and adult sim me is almost too old to have kids... umm.. cutting.. yeah.. not such a new subject but I have been trying to cut down on that.. not really working. It's hard living away from her, worrying things will change between her or she'll just change, and of course the dreams don't help one bit. I think I'm just super scared that without me there, without me talking to her, she'll forget about me and Brodie and Meagan will become more of her best friends than they already are. I know it's a silly thing to be paranoid about and I know I have a lot of things like that to improve on, but having no friends here and lots of time to think doesn't help at all.

Also, well I've been here I've realized something else, I don't excatly like guys how I thought before. How I really see a guy (as hilarious as it sounds) is a big walking, talking sperm... without a guy I can't have a baby that's all mine and my lovers and I think, besides the fact that kids are my favourite thing in the world lately, that I really do want a kid that's all mine and my lovers. It's sad that with a girl I can never have that and guys just seem to be the right thing to marry for that reason only... I think I need to think what I really want, not just for the baby factor, but for the love factor, I need to figure out if I'm just kidding myself that I'm bisexual and not really a lesbian.


(Also, sorry to the person that commented on my birthday post. Firstly, I just didn't notice someone commented it and when I did I went to comment back and I can't =[ so I just wanted to say thank you very much for the comment on my writing, that really does make me happy)

Why can't I stop crying?! It's just a fucking couple of weeks... I'm overacting so much. I just keep thinking something's going to happen... change things. I don't want anything to change. Sure, I'm not completely happy but I am somewhat, it's the closest I've been to happy. I don't want to come back and figure out that something changed with her... or he came here.. or something happened, anything happened.
afaklfjaklsjfklsajfklsahjkfahskjfahs
If shasklhfjsakl ugh, I need help. There's so many things I want to say, need to say, but I'm so scared what she'll think, what'll happen if someone knows. I can't do this.

I'm disappointed in myself.
Very disappointed.
It was just so tempting. I was hurting. I wanted relief. A feeling that could be on the outside, not the inside. The bright color of red just seems to send a relief that I can't describe. The pain over takes the pain on the inside and lets me forget. The only worry I have is I think it was too deep.
The scary thing is... I think I'm accidted to cutting again.

I don't want to go anymore. Please don't make me go. I want to stay here. I don't even fucking get to see her before I go and it's bloody two weeks. I don't care if she doesn't think that's a long time to not talk/see each other, I want to see her.

Yesterday feels so far away. For some reason I blame my hope, faith, and dreams on that.
Why does it seem like things will get better, I'll be happy, then when I finally let my dreams drift off to maybe, just maybe, one day it'll happen, it'll all be how I'd like it to be, then everything goes down hill and things get worse. It's like my life is telling me that'll never happen, and I do, I know it won't, but is it really so bad to just hope?

I won't talk to her after this and I know I'm probably the only one here that cares about this but... it does hurt...