For once, I think all the tears have dried up. I spent about an hour studing my face, my veins, my body, and the tears that just never seem to stop. And I know this sounds totally insane and weird, but when I started to study the veins on my wirst and wonder what it feels like to cut them open so much that the blood would just start to pour and slowly kill you of blood lose, my tears started to subside with them drying on my red cheeks. I have a feeling that the one thing that doesn't scare me or make me paranoid is the thought of death... the thought of it all ending so suddenly.

Can I make these thoughts up into suicidal thoughts? Are they suicidal thoughts?

I've been up since 5am and it's only 4pm... this has been the longest 11 hours of my life. But no matter how long these 11 hours have taken to pass by the only thought that has stayed in my mind is how much I wish I could stay here just to be close to her. Is that insane? Is it right for me to think that when things are so fucked up in my house, so fucked up that I could just get killed by mistake. Is it right that even with this fucked up house I still want to stay here so I can see her when she wants to see me, so I can get a hug from her, so I can talk to her, is it right?

Did I do the right thing by calling? Even if it ends up where I get taken away?


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-Confession: I've started cutting deeper and smoking again-

I'm scared I'm going to end up alone in life.

One of my teachers said that no matter what we enter this world alone and exit this world alone. I don't know if I excatly believe that. We don't enter this world alone... what about the human being that is giving birth to us? Or the doctor and hopfully father in the room help the woman giving to us? We aren't alone from the beginning at all; if we did begin alone I don't excatly think we'd live then. We need our mother most of all to take care of us when we're born.
So is this why we spend most of our life searching for the "right" person to exit this world with?

I don't know, it's just a thought.

Crash and Burn

Is it right to think that my hopes of seeing her this weekend or even just hearing her voice have crashed and burned? I feel like my heart keeps skipping a beat and I can't do anything about any of this other than try to breathe well crying uncontrolably.

I'm sure it doesn't even matter too much to her. Maybe it doesn't matter at all to her. And when I say that I don't mean she doesn't care about how I feel or anything that has to do with not caring. What I mean is that she can go on living without seeing me other than maybe feeling bad that it makes me sad. Trust me, I know she cares, I know she's sorry, what I don't know is does it matter to her to see me before I go away for a week again... and not matter to her because it matters to me, but matter to her, just her. The other thing I don't know is does it matter to her (not me) to call me before I go.

Really, I guess, the one thing I want to know is do I matter to her.

100th Post

okay, so I was joking myself that I didn't have high hopes that I would see her this weekend. I do, I can't help it. At least this time I pretty much know that my hopes are going to be let down.

There's things I'd like to say in this blog but for some reason I just don't want to. Mostly because it's stuff I would tell my friends. Now because of that fight with her and the fact that she isn't online due to a concert she's at with her two best friends, I don't excatly have anyone to tell. Of course, there's Kaitlyn and Megan who happen to be online right now but they never seem to care as much as she does. Of course, they all go "ooo" and than it's just the normal "lol" and trying to seem like it's interesting.. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe she would do that too, but for some reason I highly doubt she would. Or maybe I just would not get the vibe that it isn't important to her from her.

Needless to say, I miss her,
A lot.

Mmm home. In spite of the fact that my mom didn't stop bitching all the way home and my dad is mad for some reason and keeps swearing and my brother isn't because he's at work AND my dog doesn't seem too interested in me being home... it still feels good to be home, somewhat. Although, I thought once I got home and laid in my bed and stuff, I still feel like something's missing... Maybe it's just the fact that her and I had a fight the other night and all I really wanted from coming home is to see her, hug her. Maybe that is it, I'm hoping it is and I'm hoping that that fight was really nothing... I miss her so much and I keep worrying that I'm not going to see her this weekend because she isn't going to call or anything...
I want my brother too. I want to hug him. More than anything I want to just hug him tightly and cry on his shoulder. I don't know why, but I do. I've missed him too.

I feel so empty inside.

Smitten. I've decided I don't like that word. I am not smittened by him. I do not like him in anyway other than a friend.
-Just thought I'd clear that up-

I don't think I'll get one of the jobs I want. I should look for a career I can actually get money out of. I may want to write, take pictures or direct, but we all know I'll never make it. I'm fully giving up on those careers.

I'm trying to deicide if I should quit this job already, I hate being away from her. I may need the money but being with her means so much more than money to me.

WHY am I so scared it's going to happen again? We won't stop being friends just cause I'm there and she's hanging out with them, right? I mean, this is just me being paranoid, right? Nothing is wrong, right? Nothing will change when I get home, right? She does really miss me and not just saying that because I am... right..?

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My dad puts down his burger and says, "Don't you with we could pick the we love?"
"Yeah," I say. "Or just make the people we love want the same things we want."
"Yeah," he says. "That would be pretty good, too."

-Baby Proof by Emily Giffin