This is so stupid. I'm sorry and I just want to talk to her asfjkjasklfsajaks. I'm litterally going crazy and need something to get my mind off of all of this but you know... there ain't anyone that I can hang out with. She WAS the only person I hung out with really.

The stupid thing is I know that she's been on the computer, or is, thanks to myspace, deviantart, boxedthoughts and facebook.

My parents have been fighting for 48 hours almost striaght. These 48 hours include two fights (one in which I was involed in), about a thousand death wishes, one sleepless night, and my mother complaining to me each second she gets. All this stuff bothers me and I have yet to express how I feel about this situation to my parents but for some reason it all doesn't seem to matter that much right now. I feel like I'm back to those stupid months during school when I wasn't friends with her because for some stupid reason that I can't even remember we weren't talking. After last night and her not calling or anything for the whole day I feel as if we're back in that spot and any other crap that's happening in my life doesn't matter to me because all I want is her back. Yes, the cutting's back and the suicide thoughts are back more than ever but I would gladly clean all that up so hard just to be with her right now. And even with how much I want to see her, talk to her, hug her... I don't want to cave in and try to make things better first. It's like... this is a way for her to tell me that things are going to be okay because no matter how mad we get at each other we'll always be friends. If she tries to fix things first than it just feels like she actually wants to be my friend. Frankly, lately I've been feeling like she feels like she only wants to be my friend because, honestly, I'm the one that loves her most so far in this life time. Although, I don't know how she's feeling, therefore I need her to clearify that she does not want to be my friend just for the reason that I love her. This is all just so hard on both of us, I know that much, and my parents fighting getting worse doesn't help matters. I hate love... no good has come from it for me at all. It has ruined one of the only good friendships I have had, it has ruined my life with my parents, and it has taken my brother away from me so much that I feel more alone than I ever did when he had any other girlfriend.
I just want... need to hear her say that she won't ever leave me alone like those few months during the last school year.

I went to go see my teacher that I had in my special ed class in elementry school - she was my teacher from grade 3 to grade 8, so we're really close. Anyways, her little girl, Mikaela, my mom looks after but she just had her 2nd and last kid, which is a girl also, named Meagan so I went to go see her, Mikaela and Meagan today. It was really nice to catch up with her because I haven't actually spent a day with her since we went to the muesum during last spring I think (that or it was the fall). I really love this teacher too, I wish she was at my high school. She understands me so much because she's known me since I was like eight. She's really one of the best people I've ever known and I'm definately going to keep in touch with her for the rest of my life.

It was REALLY nice to spend time with Mikaela too. I really love little kids. I definately want at least one when I get older, being with a girl or a guy. I just want kids so badly. Playing with Mikaela today just made me so happy because it was just so easy to make her smile and laugh. She was just so happy that I was taking time out of my day to spend time with her. Today she was like "Gillian's my big sister and I'm Meagan's big sister and than Meagan is my little sister... but not Gillian's, Gillian's only MY sister." Everything that little girl says just makes me smile.

And Meagan. Damn, she was the cutest baby EVER! My teacher let me hold her and feed her with the bottle and all and stuff. It made me want a baby more than ANYTHING.

I've decided something!
Instead of blowing all my hard earned money from this summer on clothes, cds, school stuff etc. I've decided to see how much high defination video cameras are and use my money on that. My brother, his girlfriend and I have been talking about making some movies for awhile (the first one being a zombie movie OF COURSE!!!) and than this way it'll give me a chance to really decide if I want to be a director. So, hopfully high defination video cameras won't be too much because I really don't want to buy some random video camera, I want a REALLY good one that'll last me for a long, long time. High defination is definately the best right now, no?

Also, I've decided something else. Even with all my suicidal thoughts and such, it really isn't worth it. I can't let two silly things like a broken family and a broken heart get me down so much that I don't even really want to live, it just isn't healthy. And yes, I know, I do come to the point where I'm happy enough to think suicide isn't the answer but I think I really mean it this time. Also, I'd like SOMEONE to remind me of the happy moments I've had and how being home is going to be okay (as I really think it's the not being with my family for almost two months and not around her that's given me the chance to really clear my head this summer). I think I just need to remember that no matter what happens, it just isn't worth losing my life over. I need to start fixing the mind set I have and stop letting my mood take over me so much... because who knows, I may just end up doing something stupid again and it not working where I'm okay in the end.
Anyways, because of how I've been feeling lately (happish) I haven't noticed till yesterday but I've actually stopped cutting. Of course, the last cut I did was like 3 or 4 weeks ago but it just had to be like the deepest cut I've ever made and is still hurting and definately not healed at all, grand eh? So far for not having a lot of scars. Anyways, because of it still hurting and all I just haven't noticed how long I've made it without picking up a razor. I've actually LOST my razor blade I usually use, which is just not me, seeing how it's usually always in my purse or pocket haha.
ANYWAYS! That's what it's come to in this point of my life anyways. Stopped cutting (again), decide I can do without suicide (again) but for different reasons this time. All the times I've stopped cutting or decided to not commit suicide fully is ALWAYS because of her, because she cares (three cheers for her caring ness of me. Makes me so happy). This time I'm still doing it for her but for the first time ever I'm actually doing it for myself. Yeah, my brother being supportive of me being a director/writer has made me really set out to be that when I get older. I've even looked up colleges close for directing or writing because I think it's REALLY what I want to do with my life. I love writing and I've always seen things in movie style (it's hard to explain lol and I think really only my brother can understand the movie style mind set) and it just seems right for me to be writing movies and directing them with the right actors that I've chosen.

So yeah. I don't know excatly how much money I've made just yet because I have 2 or 3 more pay checks to come in the mail (I got my 3rd pay check today!!! ^_^) but when I do know I will for sure write it on here just because I'm that cool. Also, I offically finish work Thursday night!!!! Yay!!!






~add Pretty Woman to my favourite movie list (saw it for the first time today haha)~

I wanna go home. Screw the money, it's only going to be used on stuff for school and shit anyways. Sure, I need it, but fucking hell I can't take this anymore.

The sad thing is I'm always so pissed off and just want to go home Thursday and Saturdays but the second I step into my room and lay down on my bed, I rather be anywhere else but home.

Ahh, the "I hate the world" feeling again. Sometimes I really wish I had a best friend like in the books I read. I think that's why I like writing so much, I can make my life anything I want it to be with no compilcations. Damn, I really wanna be a writer when I grow up.

How have I come to this? I mean really, how has this all happened in just two years? I've changed so much yet I hardly notice it unless I actually REALLY think about it. The thing that I can't stand is my feelings for her. They've taken over my body, my mind, hell they taken ME over. Everything I do or think is all just about her. How did this happen? WHY did this happen? And why the fuck can't I be with her? Jesus, that's the one thing that gets me. I know I'm never going to get over, I can try, I can fool myself that I am but I never will.



Someone help me with figuring out how I can just be friend with someone I love so much. All I can think about is how I just want to make her happy. Yes, I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one to make her happy. I want a relationship with her that can last a life time.



I want everything I can't have.

I'm pretty sure anybody that actually reads this has read me and my friends comments on something I wrote about suicide. The last comment, one by her, one I will never answer to other than in this blog was:
Missing said...
I realize that I said that because it's true. But I don't feel the same way about you. I know it's mean of me to say, but I need you to understand that, and it's the truth. I don't really have to go out with you. I don't see myself with you. And you can complain that other people get chances... but I see you as a friend. And I know it's unfair, but I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not going to lie to you and let you take things the wrong way.



Re-read the bold. I've been doing that for the last hour and I just have to say.... it's like sticking a fucking knife through my heart each time I read one word from that comment.


(that is not to hurt you but to express my feelings for it. I can bear this no longer but your constant caring and loving friendship with me makes me want to live on... why? why can you have so much power over me?! )