It isn't wrong for me to be mad about this. I was there. Whenever I'm there you make plans right in front of me. And yes, it's always bothered me but now that I'm only here for a week it bothers me more. I do have the right to be mad, and I do have the right to be mad that you aren't talking to me now too. The least you could do after me leaving is talk to me online, I mean I hardly get to do that after this week too. But nope, it doesn't seem to matter so much to you. You can hang out with them all summer, including this week, so why not make plans with them now? Or whoever it is, I mean, who really cares that much about someone only being here a week? Sorry, maybe I am overacting.
Just next time, don't complain about how I'm not around and then go and make plans well I'm there.

What does everything mean? Why is my head suddenly filled with so many questions? Is my life planned out already?
At some point, I use to believe in so many things, what happened to that? Where the fuck did my faith go? My trust in people? My hope? What does each feeling I have mean right this second? Does it even have a meaning? I hate how this questions can never be answered correctly, it'd only be someone's guess. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with all of us? At one point in my life, I said that humans are the danger of this world, that we don't give a rats ass what we do to this world, we don't care if we live or die. I think I still believe that a bit. I once read somewhere that everyday we fill our minds with little questions like: What am I going to wear today? Or we care about our look, or anything to do with us, with what we're going to do that day. And the reason we filled our head with these little thoughts everyday was because we didn't want to face the big questions, we didn't want to think about how little time we have in this world, we didn't want to think about how sad we can be, how happy, how angry, how disappointed we could. We don't want to think about anything but those little thoughts all because we're scared of the truth.
I don't think I explained that right but if I find out the page that stuff was all on I'll write it out because it truly did open my mind to how little attention I pay to life.

The worse part about all these thoughts about how we've taken over the world is that it actually makes me depressed. Partly because I can't believe we could let all this happen, but also because deep down I believe I'm one of those people that don't pay attention to what's happening, I hate when people talk about what's happening in our world because I don't want to be a part of it. Also, I'm not better than anyone else who doesn't think about life, most of my thoughts are consumed by thoughts of suicide, and I hate that.

Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, and don't get me wrong, I know this isn't going to change our friendship at all, better or worse, but a part of me wishes it would get better. Not that I'm not content with our friendship now but... I guess I miss being her best friend. And I know I may be but for some reason I can't get over the top friends stuff. I know how stupid that is and I wish I could change how I feel but I can't, it's like choosing who to love.
Also, she seems so happy and content with him dating someone else, a part of me wishes I could be that strong. I hate how much I depend on her... but that could be because I don't have other friends like she does. Yes, I have other friends, but not like her... not friends I can trust and hang out with and can make me happy.

I know I'll never be content with her going out with someone else ontil I have someone else to trust.

I'm hungry.
I'm bored.
I have so much stuff I have to do, and stuff I want to do, this week I'm off work.
I've made almost 600 dollars in just two weeks. Woo!
I'm bored.
My doggie slept on the couch with me last night, it made me happy.
My mom is crazy. Not really, but the doctors called her that for bring me in to the hospital, staying there for 2 hours, just to tell them that I was crazy. Then after one hour of test, there was nothing wrong other than some thing on my brain, which was there when I was ten and is gonna stay there I'm sure haha. Doctors don't even know what it is, but apparently it can't kill me so we're good.
My parents want to have a family dinner tonight *shudders*. And my brother isn't here to come with us and stop us from fighting... maybe I can bring a friend into that "family dinner".
I was trying to write a story this summer and finish it by the end of the summer. I've lost it and I was in the excat middle, and I actually liked it. Ah well, I should really give up that career, and all the other ones I want.
I had a dream last night that I ran away with some guy and did a bunch of drugs and came back two years later and they thought I was so smart that they just put me in grade 12 instead of making me do grade 10 and 11 which I missed. I passed second highest in my class, her being the highest. Then we went to the same University and she asked me out. I love how unrealsitc all my dreams are.

I've been reading these books by Emily Giffin lately and I just have to say that they are very realstic. Sure, they're books for 30 year old woman but it still has taught me that maybe life is as short as it is. Nonetheless, it makes me feel... happy. Not happy in general, but happy that I'm alive. I'm not saying the suicidal thoughts have completely gone, and I'm not saying I've given up cutting completely either. But I have this feeling that no matter what rough times come in the near future (and I'm sure there are many that will start on Friday evening) I still have a good, hopful feeling that my life will just fall in place, somewhat of a hopful feeling at least. I'm sad to say that once I change books those hopful feelings may just fade haha.

I still have a pang of worry everyday now that I'm here. It's like losing her once made my fear of losing here ever worse, which makes sense. Like my last blog, it seems like her calling her first has put the fear at the top of my list of worse fears of mine. And it's not just that, it's also a recent boxedthoughts and just... everything. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm still pissed off at him, of course, that's never gonna go away now. I have too many mixed up emotions right now for so many different things.

David got a haircut, it's safe to say he looks way hotter now... and... ah nvm.

My mom called, asked me if I wouldn't mind staying with a friend for awhile the week I get back. She was nice about it at first but once I said I may not have a friend that's gonna let me be with them for so long all that week she blew up and told me I could sleep on the street or something then. I'm just hoping my dad will defend me on this one as I may not have a place to stay next week then, and I've slept on the streets one night already and it's no pinic.

I know this is horrible, and I'm really running for time on the computer so I better make this quick.

I know she's hurt right now, and I truly do feel for her but still I can't help but hurt that she called her first... and I know she said there's no sense in worrying about it but I do. Is this selfish? I mean, just because we shared a first kiss doesn't give me the right to think she'd come to me first, does it?
It just really hurts for some reason..

I can't help but be pissed at two people right now.
First I just have to say, I don't excatly think I believe in God... but maybe I do believe in a "greater being". Therefore, if there is a "greater being" I'd like Him, or Her, to know that I'm pissed off with them. I can't decide if I'm more pissed off because you hurt me or because you broke a promise. I know that this sounds really insane and I know that maybe this "great being" didn't excatly promise but I just had this feeling things were gonna be good from now on, not perfect, but not bad either. He, or She, promised no harm, or hurt, would come to her through him. And this "greater being" broke it. I can't explain how pissed off I am at this "greater being" and how much I wish I could stop talking to this... thing, when something's bad.

Second, I'm pissed off at him. Yes, I have been pissed off at him ever since I stopped talking to him but now I'm more than pissed off... I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I'm down right ready to go over there and kick his ass (something I'm sure I couldn't go, but I'm sure my brother could). The funny thing is, I think I knew something was going to happen the second I started to feel that things were different, happy. I think that's why I started to suddenly doubt everything, get more depressed and start just giving up on everything. The sad part is that I may have known but I never let myself believe it, I never let myself prepare for this. I want to help. I want to email him to be honest and just take all my anger out at yelling at him.

You know what, this may sound selfish and all but I've thought about this for so long and I think I just need to come out and say it now. I know she loves him, and hell, he probably loves her too (who wouldn't love her? she's amazing) but hell... I really, truly think that if she loved me as I love her or as she loves him, I truly think I could make her happier than he ever can or ever will. I know, it sounds selfish, but I truly think that, 110% think that. I think that's the number two thing that pisses me off the most here (next to how he could do this to her and hurt her).

I'm really trying to expression how angry I am with this, but I really think she'll, or anyone else, will understand how much this hurts and angers me.